


The Velvet Rope

by LonelyAquarian



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, BDSM, Coping, Dreams, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Feeling Special, First Time, Gay Sex, Homophobia, House Party, Inner-Strength, Intimacy, Leaving, Lesbian Sex, Loneliness, Longing, Making Love, Mentions of Spider-man, Message Rooms, Needs, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Other, Phone Calls & Telephones, Phone Sex, Physical Abuse, Pseudonyms, Psychology, Reflection, Resilience, Restoring Faith, Same-sex relationships, Self-Acceptance, Sense Of Anonymity, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Social Media, Standards, Stream of Consciousness, Togetherness, Topic Of AIDS, Toxic Relationships, Trust, Vaginal Fingering, Verbal Abuse, Voyeurism, alternative universe, bad relationships, basement sex, dealing with grief, evaluations, fantasies, goodbye letters, journeys, self-awareness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-12-15 15:02:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 40,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11808393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAquarian/pseuds/LonelyAquarian
Summary: How did April cope with depression?





	1. Twisted Elegance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Intro Of The Velvet Rope

_Twisted Elegance._

Ever heard about that before? I doubt it. But it speaks to me. The point of " _Twisted Elegance_ " you might ask me, is pretty much summed up perfectly. Example? Someone once said:

 _"It's my belief that we all have the need to feel special_  
 _And it's this need that can bring out the best in us_  
 _Yet the worst in us_  
 _This need created_  
 _The Velvet Rope_ "

What's _The Velvet Rope_ about?

Let's explore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The First Couple Chapters Will Primarily Be About April. Everyone Else Will Be Introduced Slowly.


	2. Velvet Rope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We Have A Special Need

Here we go. Let’s start exploring.

 _“We have a special need_  
 _To feel that we belong_  
 _Come with me inside_  
 _Inside my velvet rope”_  


Yes.  
  
A velvet rope can mean a lot of things if you sit down and really think about it all.  
  
We all want to feel special. That much is very true.

If you deny that statement, then you are nuts, and a big time liar!

But if you don’t believe, here’s what I have to say on the matter.

 _“This special need_  
 _That's within us_  
 _Brings out the best_  
 _Yet worst in us”_  


This special need that we crave.....it's something that is inescapable. We all grow up to be artists, doctors, nurses, teachers, gardeners, so on and so forth, but what is a velvet rope? Well, I have several different theories as to what a velvet rope is, but you never know what it can actually represent to others.

One way that I can describe what a velvet rope is, could be pretty understandable. For example, a rope reminds us that we have certain limits we can reach within our lives. Those ropes **_LOVE_** to taunt the fuck out of every single one of us, and it is maddening. Goddamn ropes. Now, on the same token, it is good to have the damn ropes because we need to be reminded of what we can actually do for ourselves.

Another example of a velvet rope in my eyes can be a tad bit....complicated. Why I say that is because we find comfort in our ropes when it comes to dealing with our own personal problems. We laugh to mask our pain, smile when there's nothing to make you smile about, hide and run from our fears, and put on our best face so that we appear to be happy. The problem with that entire concept? The problem with that is that at the end of the day, you're all on your own, picking up the broken pieces, which isn't fun. It makes you turn down the lights while you breakdown at night, crying your heart out. It's all complicated because we are all problems with problems and the rope is a constant reminder of that.

Ropes are also the worst motherfucking curse ever! Ropes restrain the shit out of you in ways that you'd never expect. Relationships that are toxic, bad situations that you cannot let go of, bad environments, you name it. It's like your personal trap that is automatically built within you. Letting go of that rope, it's complete hell as you have to constantly remind yourself that you're better than a restrictive rope.

I could go on and on about the kind of ropes that I personally believe that exists, but what's the point? A velvet rope, regular rope, is all our own personal ropes that we divide and conquer in our own terms, which is human nature.

One thing that I can say about the velvet rope that is in our life, is that the rope is universal. A famous person once said: _“We've all driven by premieres or nightclubs, and seen the rope separating those who can enter and those who can't. Well, there's also a velvet rope we have inside us, keeping others from knowing our feelings. I'm trying to expose and explore those feelings. I'm inviting you inside my velvet rope. I have a need to feel special, and so do you. We share a burning need to belong. During my life, I've been on both sides of the rope. At times, especially during my childhood, I felt left out and alone. At times I felt misunderstood. Times when I ran into the backyard to confide in our dogs. Through them, I felt like I was talking to God. But no human heard those feelings expressed. They stay buried in my past. But the truth has to come out, and, for me, the truth the takes the form of a song."_

It goes on and on, that rope.


	3. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Only One That You KNOW You Cannot Lie To.

_Here I am in your face_  
_Telling truths and not your old lies_  
_Seems to me that you care_  
_And I know that your running out of time_  
_See ya can't get away_  
_I'll be here forever and again_  
_Whispering in your ear  
__Do you believe 'cause you know you cannot win_   
  


Ahh, our biggest enemy. 

God, I hate my biggest enemy.

My enemy holds me back from my own needs and wants. 

She is cunning.

She's pretty.

Smart.

Fun.

Level-headed.

"Diva-like."

People put her pedestal and they like her better.

She lies too.

Justifies things, and calls it what it is.

I even feel comfortable calling her a bitch, too. 

My enemy? 

My enemy is me.

April Kepner is my enemy.

Here is a reflection of what I think my life is. Is it crazy that I have that? A self-evaluation of sorts? Advice I wish someone gave to me perhaps? Or wise words I tell myself? Whatever. It is what it is, but here is what I have applied to myself in everyday life, my desires and what not.

 **Appreciate yourself : **I live to make my life so....difficult without really considering the consequences of my actions. I guess I never truly appreciated myself until I almost lost the one important thing in my life, so to truly understand that statement now, is pretty mind blowing and fucking beautiful.

 **Attract people with your confidence : **See, it was always for me to attract people because it is a bit easier to get what I want and just forget about all my past experiences that hurt. Confidence is something I can exude because it's a shield. It's the best shield that worked in my favor because being emotionally attached to someone after last time scarred me in ways that I never thought was possible. Confidence was a must I my life, but now I can only be confident with practically because I want to be someone’s equal. I never want to try so hard to be liked or put on a high pedestal by anyone, and it makes me wonder if my standards can be too high.

 **Education :** Well it would’ve been awesome to be classmates with someone for……well, basically **_forever_** , but as the quote says, “You can’t always get what you want.” I guess I should start off with something that I admire about smart people. It would be so beautiful to me to meet a person that knows about so much, but honest enough to say that they don't know everything. I would also appreciate that this person doesn’t brag about what they know or claim to know it all, which a lot of people fail to practice. Someone who’s well-educated, that’s always caught up in what is happening in our broken society, is something that I desperately crave.

Overall….Nope. I should make my thoughts on educated a lot better than this.

Maybe a list would work, don’t you think?

 

  * An educated person has the ability to think clearly and independently.
  * An educated person has good judgment.
  * An educated person knows how to learn.
  * An educated person knows how to acquire desired skills by identifying and utilizing available resources, deconstructing the process required for learning a particular skill, and experimenting with potential approaches.
  * An educated person has the ability to take initiative and work alone.
  * An educated person has the ability to communicate thoughts and ideas in writing, clearly and concisely.
  * An educated person has the ability to speak clearly.
  * An educated person has the ability to reason analytically and critically.
  * An educated person has the ability to think inductively and deductively.
  * An educated person questions assumptions.
  * An educated person doesn’t blindly accept what they are told; they go see for themselves. They can discern truth from error, regardless of the source.
  * An educated person knows how to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant information (between the important and the trivial).
  * An educated person knows how to make productive use of knowledge; they know where to get the knowledge that they need, and they have the ability to organize that knowledge into a plan of action that is directed to a definite end.
  * An educated person understands human nature and has the ability to establish, maintain, and improve lasting relationships.
  * An educated person knows how to establish rapport with others; they know how get others to trust and respect them.
  * An educated person knows how to cooperate and collaborate effectively with others.
  * An educated person knows how to resolve conflicts with others.
  * An educated person knows how to persuade others.
  * An educated person has the ability to conceptualize and solve problems.
  * An educated person knows how to make decisions.
  * An educated person has the ability to see connections among disciplines, ideas and cultures.
  * An educated person is able to cross disciplinary boundaries and explore problems and their solutions from multiple perspectives.
  * An educated person is someone who has been educated holistically: creatively, culturally, spiritually, morally, physically, technologically, and intellectually.
  * An educated person has a broad liberal-arts education. They have a good overview of the following subjects: the natural sciences; the social sciences; history; geography; literature; philosophy; and theology.
  * An educated person has depth of knowledge—that is, specialized knowledge–in a particular field.



 

Ugh, too many statements starting with _"An educated person."_ That was stupid of me. I could go on and on, but I have a confession to make. While all the things that I’ve talked about is a what I would crave, I suffer from self-doubt. It is not a fun thing to conquer at all. To be perfectly honest with you, there are demons that I face everyday that are somewhat opposite from what I’ve told you.

Living in the Present? It is tricky when you are depressed because there are times where I just want to disappear from my environment and just go to another environment where no one knows who I am or what I plan to do.  Most of the time, my feelings of self-doubt are attached to bad memories in the past when you failed to achieve something or when somebody else told me that I just wasn't good enough, fat, stupid, so on and so forth. People would always say, _"Don’t dwell on those moments. Try to ground yourself and think about the now."_ I think it's hard because I have to live with those scars because it damaged me in ways that no one will ever understand.

Trust in yourself? Puh-lease. While it is true that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, I think your own enemy pushes yourself to limits that you never thought was possible. The worst thing to say to yourself or to someone else is: _"If you tell yourself that you cannot do something, then you probably won’t even try it in the first place."_ I have learned that you need to have faith in yourself, tell yourself that you are just as capable as the next person of achieving your dreams, and stop listening to the voice inside that keeps saying _“I can’t.”_ As Norman Vincent Peale famously said, _“What the mind can conceive and believe, and the heart desire, you can achieve.”_ Honestly, I think he's right.

Counteract the negative.......... I have to be straightforward with this one. At times it may seem as though the negative voices in my head are stronger than the positive voices. I feel as if that is one reason why I pretend to spent most of life pretending not to be. It's the way that society treats us, if you really think about it The one part of myself that I let choose to let people see, survive in my fictitious world. I often wonder _, "Do what they think of you determine your worth? If special's what you feel when you're with them? Taken away, do you feel '_ less than' _again?"_ It is a negative that I constantly live in, which is a trap, and it is not the best place to be. When I feel a negative thought coming on, I simply remind myself about the things I **LOVE** about myself and accentuate all of my strengths. It also helps to think of the things I have achieved in my life that I am extremely proud of.

It's a fucking personal everyday job, that never ends, but the logic of dealing with yourself in simple terms?  
  


 _You gotta mean what you say_  
_You gotta say what you mean_  
_Tryin' to please everyone_  
_Sacrifice your own needs_  
_Check in the mirror my friend_  
_No lies will be told then_  
_Pointin' the finger again_  
_You can't blame nobody but you_  
  


Hell of a concept, isn’t it? And maybe I should have said _“Me”_ instead of _“You.”_

Oh well. It can’t stay in my e-c-n-e-i-c-s-n-o-c at all at this point.

Ah, e-c-n-e-i-c-s-n-o-c? I like that. 


	4. Got 'Til It's Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost Opportunities?

Regrets.  
  
Ever had any of them? I know I have. What exactly does regret mean?  
   
Let me define it for you.  
  
**Regret-** To feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened  
  
_Or_  
  
Something that has been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity.  
  
Get the point? Good. Let's da- move on.  
  
Hahaha, bet you thought I was going to say, _"Get the point? Good. Let's dance"_ , right?  
  
Wrong.  
  
We can't dance yet.  
  
One of the roles of the rope in my opinion is dealing with regret. Regret is such a waste of time but there is nothing that we can do about it and regret comes in a few shapes and forms.  
  
Relationships.  
  
Death.  
  
Opportunities.  
  
Words.  
  
Past experiences.  
  
Worrying about others.  
  
Confidence.  
  
Life.  
  
Language.  
  
Being a better person.

The list goes on and on, just like Journey’s _Don’t Stop Believin’_ if you ask me.  
  
Now, what do you want to talk about first?  
  
So you can't choose? Then I'll choose one for you.  
  
Past experiences. I'm pretty sure we have a lot of regrets in that area. A past experience that I really regret was befriending someone who I thought was a friendly person. I know, I know. It's a simple thing, but....ugh, it is not a pleasant memory. See, I went to a party when I was in college with my friend. He was.....better not finish that pathetic statement. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. Ultimate college party. Sounds fun, right? Wrong. We went and had a good time, drinking, dancing, mingled with other people for the better part of two hours. I remember having to go to the bathroom when I heard something that's shocked me.  
  
_"Yeah. My fiancée has no idea, whatsoever. The best part of it all is that she thinks I'm in_ _London_ _somewhere. And April? This one is a total virgin, but don't you worry about a thing because she won't be one for much longer."_  
  
All I remember after that was turning back and running from that party, and I never looked back. Sure I might have tripped in my tipsy state, but I did manage to bump into someone who was pretty damn hot.  
  
The point of that whole was that I regret meeting that guy. He seemed so......right. I mean, he was awesome in every sense of the word. His name started with a….. “J” I think? I don’t really remember at all. But going to that party? I don't regret that in any shape or form. It showed me that there are some people that you so regret meeting.  
  
How about another one? Let's see....ahh. My favorite one that always pops up into my head. Worrying about others. It's easy to pay attention to others and forget about myself. There are times when I would worry about someone to the point where I would help them out, in terms of homework, advice, so on and so forth. The biggest regret in that you might ask? I worry so much about other people that I fail to take care of myself. I was so busy thinking about what people would think about me to the point that I have away my virginity to the first boy that gave me a little attention. Oh, how I wish someone could've told me back then that worrying about other people who don't worry about me was a waste if my precious time.  
  
What about dealing with your crushes? Boy do I regret not asking out my high school crush. He was popular, good looking, a jock, typical high school guy. Nerves always got the best of me when I was a high school drag to society. I often forgive myself for not asking him out, but hate the point? The past is something that I cannot go back to, but I do choose to believe that something great will happen, if I ever get to meet him again. I suppose that also means that I should've had more confidence in myself, huh? I guess so. I mean, sometimes I wonder why I allowed the concerns of others to weigh so heavy on me instead of trusting my own beliefs?  Maybe I thought that it wasn’t worth having what at the time. It doesn’t help that I thought poorly of myself at all either. Fucking confidence totally fucked me over! Oh, how I can turn back the hands of time for that……Maybe he was the one for me. I could’ve maybe fell in love with him and vice-versa. A girl can only dream at this point.

 **So they say that** ** _“Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth._** _There's usually one childhood or high school friend who we were best buddies with. Then, one of us moved away. We might have stayed in touch at first but then got busy. Sometimes, we thought to pick up the phone, but maybe we don't have their number or email any more. We always wonder what it would be like to sit down with them again for a coffee.”_ Yeah….um, what if we tried and no one tried to stay in touch with you? I mean, I was always that one person who would call, text, and visit people who were important to me, but those same people couldn’t give two shits about me. The thing that I hate most about situations like these, would be the endless comments such as, “Why don’t you call or text me anymore? Why is it that we hardly ever see you?”

You have got be kidding me! Friendships like these **CANNOT**  be a one way street, okay? If you want a good relationship, at least try and reach out to the people who care about you. It makes me sorry that I wasted my precious time on people who are….funny like that. Now, this is going to sound selfish, but I'll be honest in saying that I feel pretty worthless when I surround myself with them, but then I think to myself that I don't have to hang out or communicate with them, and it makes me feel a lot better about myself. 

 **The piece of advice I now follow that I wish I had known about is stupid simple. _“_** ** _Being happier more. Not taking life so seriously._** _Seems strange to say, but most of us don't know how to have fun. We're way too serious. We don't find the humor in life. We don't joke around. We don't think we're funny. So, we go through life very serious. We miss out on half (or maybe all) the fun in life that way. Do something a little silly today. Crack a joke with the bus driver - even if he ends up looking at you weird. Do a little dance. You'll probably smile, on the inside if not the outside. Now keep doing that, day after day.”_ All I have to say on that is right on.  
  
My biggest regret of them all? I am wish I could've spent more time with my best friend. I remember the last conversation we had. It was a dumb conversation about her cheating boyfriend. I mean, everyone knew that he was a cheating fuck-face, but no. She thought that I was so jealous because she was in a relationship and I wasn't. I love her, but she's a total bitch! Goddamn throw pillow! That is what she is. I mean, he was in a long term relationship with her, had a mistress who in turn had his child, plus he was a murder. Did she listen when I told her that I had a bad feeling about her activities that she was going to do with him last summer? No. Now, she’s locked up abroad for being dumb deep in love. I love her to death, but I regret not ending things on good terms. Well at least she’ll be the one to rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawing at her eyes. That is if she hasn’t gotten the electric chair with that _‘man’_ of hers.

Anyway, regrets are part of the rope that can be….inescapable. It makes you think or feel in two different ways. The only thing that is good about this part of the rope, is that it is a learning experience. Whether it is experiencing love or missing out on opportunities that you might have wanted to explore, regret is always going to be there. You know what you have both personally and professionally, what you don’t have, and what these experiences do to you. Before I drag this into a life story or some shit like that, I will break it down to you in the simplest terms.

 _Don't it always seem to go_  
_That you don't know what you've got til it's gone_

Ahh, Joni Mitchell never lies, right?


	5. Speaker Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Steamy" Conversation, With The One and Only Arizona Robbins ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Things Will Get Extremely Raunchy From Here On Out. You Have Officially Been Warned About This Roller Coaster Ride!

Guess what, people?

Time to get…productive today. I hope Arizona will be free today.

 **♀**  

 _“Hello?”_  
  
“Hi, it's me, Zona.”  
  
“April, you got me on that damn speaker phone?”  
  
“Yeah, I do.”  
  
_“What you doin’ with your hands that you can't pick up the phone?”_  
  
“Don't you worry about it I'm taking care of my business. What you doing?”

_“Hold on. Let me just………..okay, here we go, I'm back.”_

“I'm going out tonight maybe. Wait hold on...”

  **♀**

April's orgasm rips right through her body. 

**♀**

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a subtle or quiet moan that fell from my mouth. Dammit, Arizona is gonna say something about this.

**♀**

_“Your cooch is going to well up and fall apart.”_  

**♀**

I can only smile at Arizona’s commentary on my cooch. I don’t have a man, but at least I’m satisfied.

Who is she to judge?


	6. My Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Thought On People's Needs

My needs? They're quite simple really.

 _"One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact that he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you when you're hungry, thirsty, or tired, your husband's body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your husband's sexual desire is impacted by what's around him but is determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of testosterone in his body."_ Well, DUH!!! What the fuck is this, simple science or a Psychology course?

Just like everyone else, we all have a need that we all want to have fulfilled. Sex is one of them, and I definitely  want to make sure that I mention that first. Now don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person, or like the famous characters of the shows that were around in my lifetime such as Blanche Devereaux from _The Golden Girls_ or Dan Fielding from _Night Court_ , but I need so much more than sex. I have a few needs, just like everyone else, and I am happy to admit that.

Sexually, I would want someone who would make me lose my mind in bed. Probably break the bed, destroy a piece of furniture, tie me up, make me scream when he goes down on me, so on and so forth. It is something that I love when I am fulfilling my sexual needs. I-I don't want normal, and easy, and simple. I want...... God this is going to sound bad, but I don’t care at the moment and neither should you. I ~~want~~ ** _need_** painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Wouldn't you want that, too?

If I were to say something to that one guy I bumped into after that fucking college party, I would probably say something like this.

 _I need you_  
_Like the flowers need the rain_  
_I need you_  
_Like the blues needs the pain_  
_I need you_  
_Like the stars need the night_  
_I need you_  
_Like the waves need the sea_

It's not a cry for desperation. Ok, maybe it it, but why the fuck should you give a damn about it? It’s my life, filled with my decisions and bad mistakes. Anything that I do in my life stems from my own mind, and I am the one in control. I might be a complete bitch for saying that, but I would rather be honest instead of being- what was the phrase?- _"A criminal, a whore, an idiot and a liar."_

I need for the guys to understand women like me. Let me give you a few examples.

 

 **1:** _To Feel Loved_

When women feel loved, they relax and open to men. The arguments dissipate, the sex is abundant, and their nurturing feminine energy flows throughout our lives.

If she is unhappy that you are going out with your friends, or she’s upset about her day at work, or she is only responding to you with brief snippets of sentences, then the cause is most likely her not feeling loved enough.

Learn to see through her words, actions, and moods and see what the real root of it is.

It isn't that hard, but men are clueless.

 

 **2:** _To Be Appreciated_

The feminine in all people responds primarily to praise and appreciation.

Remind your partner that you love her. Tell her that you appreciate what she brings to your life. Show her how much she means to you.

The fastest way to run your relationship into the ground is by ignoring your partner and taking her for granted. Appreciation is the opposite of those things. Appreciation is the embodying this mindset: _“I am aware of what you bring to my life, and I want you to be sure that I am aware of it as well.”_

So tell her what you appreciate, and tell her often.

In other words men, just like TLC's song, _No Scrubs,_ don't be a scrub. If you are a guy with no job, hanging from the passengers side of your best friend's ride, hollering at women, you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Now, if I were a man, with need of his own, I wouldn't know where to start because unlike women, they are a challenge. Some of them are so stupid but let's run through the list.

 

 **1:** _Praise And Approval_

 _Men have infamously tender egos. Don't deny that statement. A friend of mine one said: "We need frequent reassurance about ourselves, our career paths, our efficacy as partners, our sexual prowess, and our attractiveness (among other things)."_ Ugh, that is so stupid only because men will do whatever they want.

I will say though, I don't mind praising a man at all, if and only if, he doesn't ask or demand it from me. The positive in my opinion on the statement is this: the more you praise his positives, the more you will see them.

 

 **2:** _Emotional Intimacy_

From a very young age, it has always been said that men are taught to avoid appearing weak at all costs. Perceived _“weakness”_ includes things like complaining, divulging fears or concerns, and expressing self-doubt or worry. But what does that mean exactly? Is someone the prey or the predator for men? That confuses me. I always thought that a man’s partner is his safe space to fall. He can expose the cracks in his armor and allow his partner to help him heal. I mean, it's like war paint if I you sit and think about it. I mean, aren't you supposed to take off your mask/clothes to show me your scars and pain, and I do the same? I want to know the thing s that you are trying to hide, but I feel as though it is hard. Just as women need to slowly open up sexually within a relationship, men open up over time emotionally. It's like navigating that Triwizard Tournament and facing Voldemort in the graveyard from _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ : no easy task.

He needs to make sure that when he first cries in front of you, you won’t be repelled or handle it poorly. If you push him away or are unable to be nurturing when he needs it the most, he will no longer trust you with his emotions. He will remove himself somewhat from the relationship.

In this instance, both partners lose- he goes on silently suffering and believing that he is flawed in his imperfection, and she is held at arm’s length emotionally.

 

 **3:** _Space_

I cannot express this one enough!!!!!!!! I learned this one the hard way, and I haven't dated a lot. I even lost some awesome guy friends because of this. I have learned that suffocating a man is the fastest way to end a relationship. Men need breathing room in a relationship. We need time for our hobbies, time with our friends, and time to toil away on our projects to feel fulfilled. I wish there was a course on this in high school instead of that damn useless stage tech class.

Some clues that he wants some space would be: falling of the grid, making his own plans, feeding you bullshit, lack of availability, agreements, taking breaks, canceling plans, never making plans with you at all, distancing himself from you and lastly, his brutal honesty. It's a lot of shit to put up with, but if you can't get that, then I feel sorry for you.

For all of our needs the shape us as men and women, there are some qualities that both men and women truly need and desire.

 

 **1:** _Physical Touch/Desire_

Men and women need frequent non-sexual touch as well as a sense of sexual access.

If a man’s partner comes up behind him and touches his neck and hair in a loving way while he sits absorbed in a task, he could feel just as loved as if they had just had penetrative sex (even more so, depending on his mood). For a woman, women need to feel sexually desired. They want to make sure that you see and appreciate them as a feminine, sexual being.

Praise her body. Feel her and grab her appreciatively. Remind her that you see her as a sexual being and you will both benefit. For a man, this touch is interpreted as physical love- the message of which registering as _“I love you, and I want you to feel happy all the time. Know that I’m always here for you and I care for you deeply.”_

Simple, yet complex.

 

 **2:** _Security_

Men and women are both attracted to certainty in a relationship. The more a man feels like his partner is in it for the long haul, the more ready and able he is to be able to open up to her, assuming he is equally invested in her. What an interesting concept that not everyone follows.In my opinion, security goes deeper than just the fact that you won’t leave him or her. The security that both parties feel, always ties back in to several of these points. He or she, (mostly him) feels secure in knowing that you approve of him and where he is in his career. He feels secure and loved when you touch him non-sexually throughout the day. He feels secure when he is allowed to have his guys’ nights away from you and you don’t feel the need to call or text him every half hour to check in.

For women, we want you to know that we can handle ourselves when life happens. With that being said, we women want you to know that you won’t run and hide in our time of need when we get a bit _‘too emotional’_ for your liking. With all that being said, we have to know that you can count on us, just as I can count on you. We all have to feel secure with a partner who takes steps to love whoever we are with in the way that they most need each other.

 

**Overall.....**

It's a give and take, but however you view it, everything that we crave is a need. Gay, straight and everything else that is in between, falls under the category of "needs" as well. Whether is sexual or just plain tamed, we all have a need to not only be special, we have needs that surpass sex. Call me crazy for thinking that way, but it's the reality that we live in, even in this wretched fictitious world.

Oh, life. 


	7. Fasten Your Seatbelts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle Up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things Get A Little Bit Wild From Here On Out.

_“I'm sorry.”  
_

_“Now you can say it.”_  
  
“What am I suppose to say?”  
  
“Chris is so cute.”  
  
“But ya are, Blanche... ya are...”

_“Fasten your seat belts darling, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.”_

**♀**

“Are you _TRULY_ ready for this ride?”


	8. Go Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of Control Parties + Sex = Wild Card!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Now The Story Officially Begins. :)

Last night I had the strangest dream.

Picture it.

On Wednesday night, my friend Arizona had called me for her slumber/housewarming party that was taking place at on Saturday.

 _"So, I'll buy six pizzas for us to have. One cheese, 2 Hawaiian, one veggie, one meat lovers and one pep."_ Arizona said.

"That's a lot of pizza our a girls night in don't you think?" April asks.

_"Well, I'm inviting Callie and Maggie."_

"Since you put it that way, that should be enough." April says. "Especially since I bought a ton of cookies and wine for your slumber/housewarming party."

_"Best slumber party ever!" Arizona says._

What we didn't expect, was a wild party coming our way.

**♔**

_"Hey bitches!" Arizona greets April as she walks into her best friend's house._

_"You know, you call me bitch a lot, Z."_

_"I know April, but think of it as a term of endearment."_

_"That is a sad term of endearment, Arizona." Maggie says as she makes her way into Arizona's house._

_"Leave my woman alone." Callie says._

_"You bitches are all kinds of fucked up." April says._

_"And I love when you remind me of that." Arizona smiles._

_"These friends of ours are beyond crazy, Mag."_

_"I totally agree with you, April." Maggie says. "So, what's going on?"_

_"It's officially Saturday!" Arizona says. "I officially moved into this house and the four of us are gonna celebrate."_

_"Awesome!" April and Maggie exclaim._

_"Let's drink bitches!" Callie says as she runs off to grab a bottle of whiskey._

**♔**

_"Maggie. Truth or dare?"_

_"Mmm...truth." She tells Callie._

_"What do you think of Jackson?"_

_"Um...I-well-"_

_"MAGGIE HAS A CRUSH!" April teases._

_Maggie blushes._

_"I'll take that as the truth." Arizona says. "You're turn, Mags."_

_"April. Truth or dare."_

_"Dare."_

_"I dare you to sit on my lap, stare into my eyes and tell me that you love me for one straight minute. If you fail, you must take a body shot off of my tummy."_

_"That it? you're so lame." April says as she makes her way onto Maggie's lap._

_"Quit talking and sit on Maggie's lap like she's Santa." Callie says._

_As April is comfortable on Maggie's lap, she looks her friend in the eye and says: "Maggie Pierce, you are my best friend and I love you like a sister."_

_"Thank you, Apes."_

_"Satisfied, Calliope Torres?" April asks._

_"Highly." Callie smiles. "I didn't think you'd have the balls to do that!"_

_April glares at her._

_"Fine. I dare you to call up Sloan."_

_"Wha-why would I do that?"_

_"Because you're a switch-hitter who has a thing for him." April smirks._

_"Damn you're good." Callie says as she pulls out her phone._

_"Shut up and call him." Maggie says._

_Callie calls and raises the phone to her ear._

_"Why would you do that?" Arizona asks her friend._

_"You haven't seen how she acts when she's near Mark?" Maggie asks._

_"No." Arizona states, even thought it comes out as a question._

_"Ahh! Maggie I'm going to steal a bag of popcorn and put it in the microwave." April says excitedly._

_"Take two!" Maggie shouts as April runs to get the popcorn._

_"Mark! How are you?" Callie says shyly._

_Maggie quizzically looks at her._

_"Hahahaha, I am good." Callie says like a lovesick teenage girl._

_Arizona starts to laugh._

_Suddenly, Callie nervously chuckles, then she snorts so hard before proceeding to laugh like a hyena._

_"Oh no! Who brought in the hyena?!" April yells from the kitchen as Maggie and Arizona are laughing at Callie._

_"Yeah, so I um-well-there's a parry at Arizona's house and I would like to invite you over." Callie says._

_"Ooh! Ask him if he has a friend!" Maggie says loudly._

_"Make that two!" April yells._

_"See you in a bit." Callie says as she hangs up her phone._

**♔**

The food we had...Let's just say that it was not enough. Somehow, the word had gotten out about Arizona's small get-together, and it was too much. It was _too_ fucking much.

Some dude, his name is Alex, is here with his two best friends. He's just...I guess that the best way to describe him would be _'evil spawn'_ while his two best friends are notoriously known as the twisted sisters'. Yes, bitch. I said _'evil spawn'_ and _'twisted sisters'_. What? Anyway, I caught part of their conversation, and it was just...You know what, I'll just repeat it to you.

**♔**

_"I'm just here for the tequila so I can dance it out." Cristina says._

_"I got a bottle for you." Meredith says._

_"I am so happy that you're my person, Mer." Cristina says._

_"Where's mine?" Alex asks._

_"You drank it last night, remember?" Meredith says._

_"So, you're still fucking Jo? You know, the one who's hair you'd braid or the one you fucked senseless while drinking the tequila?" Cristina deadpans._

_"Cristina!" Meredith 'reprimands' as she's trying to contain her laughter._

_"What?" Cristina asks. "I mean, he's always wanted to be someone's bitch."_

_"You're a bitch." Alex tells Cristina._

_"And you're Derek's bitch." Alex tells Meredith._

_"Well in that case, you're Izzie's former bitch, bitch." Meredith tells him._

_"Maybe that's his problem, Mer. He's nobodies bitch." Cristina states._

_"I repeat, you're a bitch." Alex tells Cristina._

_"And I am very proud about it." Cristina smiles._

_"You know what, can we please stop throwing the word bitch around so that we can figure out what to eat?" Arizona asks._

_"Why, bitch? Why?" Cristina asks._

_"Seriously bitch, it's a term of endearment for us three." Alex says._

_"Bitch, you should try it." Meredith supplies._

_"Food!" Arizona says, making the twisted trio laugh._

**♔**

Ok. If I'm being honest with you, I didn't like that conversation. I fucking LOVED it, goddamn it. I mean, they are so twisted and their dynamic is hilarious because they insult each other without any second thoughts and their feelings aren't hurt. That is true friendship right there.

Next up, Callie and her sloppy ass.

"Have you guys seen Mark yet?"

"No." This girl Lexie says. That girl is a fucking throw pillow if you ask me. She just seems so...unnecessary? Nope. Useless is the correct word in her case. She seems so...Ok. Here's the scoop on this bitch.

This two dollar hooker was supposedly voted student body president, was popular by both peers and teachers at school, has photographic memory also made her one of the brightest in her class which not only makes her a natural in the OR and blah, blah, blah. I mean, who the fuck cares about all that shit? The only thing that I would find her useful for, is an encyclopedia since people use her for that.

That bitch needs a life.

Or a man.

Or a dog that'll pee on her while she's sleeping, then abandon her in the future in her old age.

Anyway, here's the next part of the story.

**♔**

_"Dude, put on Kelly Clarkson's new song." A man named George says._

_Suddenly, Kelly Clarkson's song Love So Soft starts blasting through her house._

_Yeah_  
_Every kiss is a door_  
_Can I knock on yours?_  
_Can we knock a little more?_  
_If a touch is a keep_  
_Keep on twisting, keep on locking, keep on turning me_

_"NO!" Arizona screams. "That song makes me twerk like crazy!"_

_"Arizona twerks?" Cristina asks._

_"TURN IT UP!" Alex yells over the crowd._

_Someone cranks up the volume._

_Let me in_  
_I wanna be closer to you, let you under my skin_  
_If I let you in_  
_You gotta be careful with it_  
_Let me tell you again, hey_

_As majority of the house starts singing along to the song, Arizona starts twerking to the chorus of the song and the crowd cheers like crazy._

_Love so soft, you ain't had nothing softer_  
_Break it then you buy it and it sure gonna cost ya_  
_Love so soft that you can't rub off_  
_You gon' love it if you try it_  
_Got you hooked, now you're caught up_  
_Love so soft, so soft_  
_Love so soft, so soft_

_"Do I know you?" Some drunk guy asks April._

_"Get lost." April tells the guy._

_"Derek!" Meredith shouts as she walks up to guy that was talking to April._

_"What up, dog?" Alex greets him._

_"Trying to act like you're from the hood? Too much, evil spawn. That's too much." Cristina tells him as April walks away from them._

_"She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?"_

_"You're right, hon." Owen tells Amelia as he stupidly puts his phone on speaker._

_"You 're still with her?" Preston asks him. "I feel sorry for you."_

_"I agree, Hunt. She seems too...needy. 'm not sure how you can put up with her. Catch, Burke." Nathan says as he throws a vase in Preston's direction._

_"I, like, invented her, you know what I mean?" Amelia whines as Nathan and Preston laugh at Owen._

_April walks away from them and as she tries to make her way to the door, she notices something funny._

_"Mark. I have to talk to you." A drunk Callie says as she walks in a crooked line towards George._

_She falls over and drops her drink._

_April laughs as George rolls his eyes at her._

_"Whatever" He says as he starts to walk away from her._

_"I love you." Callie says as she latches on to his leg as he's walking away from her sloppiness._

_"I know, I know." George tells her. "And it's so maddening."_

_"Hey! Put that down!" Arizona says as she is twerking through her house with Kelly Clarkson's song is still playing somewhere in the background._

_"What's up?" Maggie asks April._

_"Well this party is totally OOC."_

_"OOC? Have you been listening to Mariah Carey's OOC on loop again, Apes?"_

_"So what? It has a certain groove to it. And don't be so judgmental! You brought that CD with that song on it three times because you listened to that album hundred and hundreds of times."_

_"It was the follow-up to her massively successful The Emancipation of Mimi. You can't deny that those two albums were the best albums last decade."_

_"True."_

_"April." A guy says as he walks towards her._

_'Oh, no. It's Steve Mostow.' April thinks to herself._

_"Look, I heard what Jo said about you saying that I'm hot. Now I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color."_

_Maggie looks at him in disbelief._

_"I have to pee." April lies as she moves past him. Once she's a few steps behind him, she pulls out her phone and text Maggie._

**_Magz:_ ** _That dude is crazy_

 **_Magz:_ ** _He's not even hot_

 **_Apes:_ ** _For real. He's like below average_

_April uses the bathroom and before she steps out, she takes a deep breathe._

_"Man, this party is out of control!" She says as she receives a text._

**_Magz:_ ** _BTW, apparently someone started A's washing machine_

 **_Magz:_ ** _This house/slumber party is now a foam party!_

_"Fuck!" April says as she steps out of the bathroom._

_As she makes her way to the room that she was sharing with Maggie, she catches Izzie and Denny having sex on the floor._

_"Get out." April says as she makes her way towards her bag._

_"Why?" Izzie asks._

_"I need the room for my boyfriend." April lies as she pulls a thong out of her bag._

_"Get some, little woman. Get some!" Denny says as they leave the room with their clothes in hand._

_"FOAM PARTY!" Mark yells out as the crowd goes nuts._

_April slams the door._

_"God, this sucks." April says as she lies down on the bed. "And it smells musky in here."_

**♔**

_Nearly ten minutes into staring up at the ceiling, the door opens._

_She sits up in her bed and she's greeted by a tan skinned guy with green eyes._

_"Hey."_

_"Hey."_

_"Sorry to interrupt you. I've been looking everywhere for some peace of mine, away from all...well, that."_

_"Me too."_

_"You look...ready for bed?"_

_"I am. This was supposed to be a slumber party between my two best friend, Arizona and Maggie, along with Arizona's girlfriend, Callie."_

_"You wanna go downstairs?"_

_"No, no. Let's stay here."_

_"Thanks for letting me interrupting you."_

_"Yeah, sure, no problem."_

_"I wasted too much time being a second banana to Mark tonight. No more tonight because some of those people down there would make my mom look like an angel, and she's insufferable."_

_"I would never lie to you." April says._

_"I know, I know."_

_"April." She says as she hold out her hand._

_"Chris." The tan guy says._

**♔**

_"Although... OK, listen. I mean, I did lie to you once, but you're totally gonna laugh when I tell you, so..."_

_"Tell me what?"_

_April laughs as she takes a long sip of whiskey from the bottle that her new friend brought._

_"I dyed my hair so that men would be attracted to me. But the thing is, I'm not really a fan of this color red anymore. I'm actually thinking of dying my hair magenta."_

_"Magenta?" Her friend asks after he took a long sip from the bottle as she was telling him her idea._

_"Yup. You're gonna remember me that way." She says. "Anyway, now I'm ready for a nipple piercing, a tattoo and a sexy one way ticket to www.amazon.com_ _." She says through her laughter. "Isn't that funny, Chris?"_

_"Jackson." He corrects._

_"What?"_

_"My name is actually Jackson."_

_April stares at him._

_"What?" He asks her._

_"Jackson actually suit you better than Chris." She tells him. "I approve, but I'll nickname you Jackman."_

_"But wait. Don't needles scare you?"_

_"It's stupid cute how you ask that question, Jackman."_

_"Jackson."_

_"Whatever hot stuff. I'mma nickname you Jackman because it fits you in my tipsy state." She says poking him in the chest._

**♔**

_"No. Not on purpose. Just, you know... I just wanted a reason to talk to somebody since that party was OOC."_

_"You listen to Mariah Carey too?!"_

_"Sometimes. I'll be back. I gotta go to the bathroom." Jackson says as he makes his way to the bathroom._

_'Damn, this guy is so...he drives me wild.' April thinks to herself as she checks her messages._

**_Magz:_ ** _APES! I met a hot guy_

 **_Magz:_ ** _Italian!_

 **_Magz:_ ** _I'll tell you more about him later_

_April puts her phone away and lays down on the bed._

_We go deep_  
_And we don't get no sleep_  
_Cause we be up all night_  
_Until the early light_

_"Why are these world ringing through my head?" April asks herself as Jackson walks back into room._

_"Is something wrong, Apes?"_

_"No."_

_"Are you sure? Because-"_

_"I was thinking about something."_

_"Got it."_

_"Is the party still going on?"_

_"Oh yeah!" Jackson says. "There pizza boxes all over the place, popcorn overflowing form the kitchen to the living room, a bad rendition of The Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne, an act of lesbian poetry, a gay couple having sex with each other- with a large audience, a black man strip dancing on a table, an old lady streaking in the living room a castle in the pool-"_

_"Castle?"_

_"Yup. There's a large toy castle in the pool, while people- underwater- are fucking the shit out of each other. Oh! There's a car on the lawn, the house it TP'ed and someone is doing a bad rendition of I will survive as people are navigating through the house."_

_"Oh, that was Lexie. That bitch can't sing for shit. I wish we can be somewhere quiet."_

_"What about the basement?"_

_"There's a basement?"_

_"Yup, that's where the foam is coming from."_

_"Let's go!" She says. "Lead the way."_

**♔**

_"Besides the foam all over the place, this place is pretty quiet."_

_"It sure is." April says as she sits on the dryer._

_"We really should've come here earlier."_

_"I agree, Jackman."_

_"You know, I actually like that you call me Jackman for some reason."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yup." He says as he leans in for a kiss._

_With no space left between them, April's mind went blank. It took her nearly thirty seconds to realize Jackson was brushing their lips together for no reason. The bad thing was they were strangers, and strangers who just met, were not supposed to do this with each other. The worst part would properly be the fact that April enjoying this lip lock, or should it be called kiss?_

_This was no good at all. Jackson was kissing April and the latter liked it._

_April pulls away from the kiss._

_"Drop your pants." She demands as she pulls her shirt over her head._

_He drops his pants and she pumps his member._

_"April." He moans as she's getting him hard._

_"Fuck me." April says once he's completely hard._

_"Oh April!" He says as he pulls her to her feet. He turns her around and he enters her from behind._

_Ooh I'm gettin' freaked from behind_  
_I don't even mind_  
_Cuz he's lookin damn fine_  
_I'll make him mine in time_

 _Gotta take him home_  
_When I get him all alone_  
_I'll make him scream and moan_  
_He won't wanna stop_

_Those were the words that kept flowing through her head as he is rocking into her._

_"Harder, Jackson. Harder!"_

_He complies as the foam continues to rise._

**♔**

Man, that man was so...I really loved every moment with Jackson. He felt like Prince Charming. The part that was the second highlight of the night?

I shall enlighten you.

**♔**

_"Oh, God." Izzie says as George spots her with Denny._

_"You dirty little liar."_

_"I'm sorry. I can explain."_

_"Explain how you forgot to mention that you still want to be with me, after you've been with Denny?!"_

_"Alex, do not stop this car. This is a good angle from this phone as we are filming, right Mer?"_

_"Right, Cristina."_

_"What's going on?" Maggie asks as she pops up next to her friend._

_"Just watch." April tells her._

_"You know I couldn't tell you right away. It's still...I'm still pretending to be in love with him." Izzie says._

_"Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're like those bitches from Mean Girls. You're Plastic. Cold, shiny, hard Plastic."_

_"This is too good." Alex says through his chuckles._

_"Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other's awesomeness?" George demands._

_"You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your eighth-grade revenge to get Callie."_

_"God." George scoffs at her. "See, at least me and Callie know we're mean. You try to act like you're so innocent. Like, "Oh, I used to be a teen mom" with all you stupid little problems."_

_"You know what? It's not my fault you and your gang are in love with me or something!"_

_"What?!" The twisted sisters say as Alex violently steps on the brake._

_"Oh, no she did not!" Cristina says._

_"See? That is the thing with you Plastics. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you. Like Andrew DeLuca, for example. He broke up with Reed and guess what. He still doesn't want you. So why are you still messing with him, Izzie? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch!"_

_All the bystanders and the partygoers from Arizona's party are saying "Oooh, burn!"_

_And with that Alex starts driving away from Izzie, who's still standing on the sidewalk looking dumbfounded._

_"That was shocking." Jackson says._

_"It sure was." April says. "So round two?"_

_"You sure?" He asks._

_She pulls him into the house and makes her way to the basement._

**♔**

"Harder, Jackson. Harder!" I cannot believe that in a dream, I said those words twice in one night at my best friend's house. Dream or not, that was the best party ever. I never expected to have sex with a random stranger. The crazy party is, I still have those words floating around in my head. Maybe I should have a sex tape where he takes me from behind, if I ever meet him.

Is it sad that I wish I had gotten his phone number, even though it is a dream?

And I don't even know what happened between Callie and Mark at all.

FUCK!

Oh well. At least Jackson went deep in my dream.


	9. Free Xone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Xones" About Gay and Straight Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Highly Explicit Content. Enter If You Dare.

So, there's something that gets on my nerves. We have come so far as people in our screwed up society, yet some people are so fucking ....narrow-minded. In a world were we aren't supposed to have any geographic boundaries and sharing a common vision, people are still sick with racism, homophobia, prejudice, bigotry, ignorance, so on and so on, but enough about that.

 _He was on the airplane_  
_Sitting next to this guy_  
_Said he was too shy_  
_And he seemed real nice..._  
_Until he found out he was gay_  
_That's so not mellow_

A statement that started off so simple, yet cool ended up being so....crass. In reality, something like that doesn't really shock me at all. It would be better for all people to accept that not everyone will be _"straight"_ at all, but what can you do? People are entitled to their own opinions, and that's all I have to say about people.  
  
Now, the statement that I made earlier about the _“guy on the plane_ ” made me think of different couples that I have come across in my lifetime. Gay couples, lesbians, and the heterosexual couples. See, there are different types of couples that exist, and I wondered _"How are they intimate with one another?"_ So here are some scenarios I came up with.

 **♂**   **♂**  

 _“Ah, it’s so great to be back in_ _New York_ _after so long.” Harry says, taking off his shoes._

_“Well, it’s great to have you back, Mr. Osborn.”_

_“Thank you, Bernard. Anyway, I’m going to unpack and then go out for a little bit.”_

_“Of course, master. Anyway, I have to go to my doctor’s appointment.”_

_“Why not take the rest of the day off?”_

_“Are you sure, sir?”_

_“I’m positive. I’ll keep this place under control, I promise.”_

_“In that case, I will see you tomorrow Mr. Osborn.”_

_“See you tomorrow, Bernard. Have a great day.”_

_“You too, sir.” Bernard says, leaving the_ _Osborn_ _Mansion_ _._

_“Ah, it’s so great to be home.” Harry repeats to himself, going to the kitchen. “Let’s see, we have: peppermint, black, green and white tea. I think I’m in the mood for peppermint tea.” He says putting on kettle. “I’m hungry too. Oh! I wonder if there are any ingredients here for a sandwich.” Minutes later, Harry makes his sandwich and prepares his cup of tea. “Oh! I wonder if Peter is around. I’m gonna call him.” He says to himself. As soon as he lifts his house phone to his ear, the doorbell rings and Harry walks towards the door. When he opens the door, he gets the shock of his life. _‘Speak of the devil…....’__

_“Harry?!" A shocked Peter exclaimed._

_“Peter!”_

_“What- I thought you were away at boarding school?”  Peter says._

_“Um- Y-y-yeah, I-I-I-I was, but I just back today. In fact, I just came in about 15 minutes ago.”_

_“That’s great, Harry.”_

_“Please, forgive my manners. Would you like to come in?”_

_“I just bought Bernard’s car over. I had it all fixed up for him.” Peter responds, holding our Bernard’s car keys. “He brought it over to the shop a few weeks ago, and I had a few days off, so I decided to work on it and bring it back to him now that it’s completely fixed up. Transmission, new battery, carburetor, you name it.”_

_“Ah. Well, he just left about ten minutes ago. He had a doctors appointment, so he left just as I was about to unpack. But uh, please come in. I’ll make you some tea and make you a sandwich.” Harry says, slightly moving from the door to let Peter enter his home._

_“Thanks, Harry.” Peter says, entering the mansion._

_“This is gonna sound strange, but I uh- I was actually calling you when you showed up just now.” Harry shouts from the kitchen._

_“Really?” Peter says, distastefully._

_“Yes I was. I was wondering how you were doing when I was making my sandwich.” Harry says, carrying a tray to the living room. “Here you go.” He says, offering a cup of tea to Peter, who’s sitting on the couch._

_“Thank you.” He says, taking a sip of tea, while Harry sits on his favorite arm chair. “So, how long has it been seen the last time we’ve seen each other?”_

_“We-”_

_“Years, hasn’t it?” Peter interrupts._

_“The last time we saw each other was in between…the fifth grade and sixth grade. That was when_ _Norman_ _decided to ship me off to get me out of his hair. Thank God the bastard is dead. Anyway, it’s been roughly twelve or thirteen years.”_

_“Do you still correct people’s grammar, Mr. Know-It-All?” Peter asks coolly, taking another sip of his tea._

_“Was I really that bad?” Harry wonders. “I guess that I couldn’t stand people who spoke incorrectly, compliments of Norman Osborn.” He says, picking up his own cup of tea. “You remember what he said right? _‘I can’t stand dumb ass people who can’t construct a sentence properly.’_  God, I hated that man with his damn pet peeves.” He tells Peter, drinking his tea._

_“Well, one of my pet peeves,” Peter starts. “Are people with pet peeves.” Peter then wipes his lips off with the sleeve of his sweater._

_“Oh damn! I’m terribly sorry!” Harry starts. “Let me get you a napkin-”_

_“I’m fine.” Peter shrugs, arrogantly._

_“Great.” Harry says, unsure of himself and the current situation, taking a sip of his tea. A few minutes of complete silence, Peter breaks the ice._

_“So Harry, fill me in on what happened in the last twelve years or so when you were in boarding school.” Peter says, making himself feel at home on Harry’s couch. “After all, we were the best of friends.” He taunts._

_“School was school. It was filled with boring teachers, courses and homework.” Harry shrugs offhandedly. “But I’m much more anxious to hear about you!” He says happily. “I mean, if I can recall, you were going to be the best science teacher and be a part-time photographer. But to see you now as a mechanic is damn cool.”_

_“Yeah, it’s a good trade for me. I mean, I couldn’t afford college, Uncle Ben died and it’s just been me and Aunt May supporting each other.”_

_“Well, I know I’m not the right person to tell you this Pete, but I do know how expensive university and college costs. Thank goodness I was able to pay for college on my own terms, with the help of tons of scholarships. I did it all without the use of my dad’s money from the love of his life, Oscorp.” Harry says, rolling his eyes._

_“Yeah, I guess only a few _special_  people are able to get those scholarships.”_

_“I guess.” Harry shrugs. _‘Why is Peter being a douche? Where is the Peter that I fell in love with when we were little boys?’_  He wonders to himself._

_“Nonetheless, I am so happy that I learned to fix cars. Nobody to breathe down my neck, I’m my own boss, I can make my own hours and still help Aunt May out.” Peter says condescendingly towards Harry._

_“Of course it is, Peter.” Harry responds. “I mean, I might be out of touch on what happened years ago, but being a mechanic is a noble profession. Besides, I can never look down on a profession like that because I only drive and ride in cars. Nobody should look down on mechanics at all, unless if they are total snobs.”_

_“Yeah, I can’t _stand_  snobs at all.” He says, throwing Harry a dirty look. “But then, who can, right?” He asks, putting his feet up Harry’s coffee table. Harry simply takes another sip from his cup._

_‘Ok.’_ _Harry thinks to himself, trying not to be hurt from Peter’s comment._

_“So, what’s with the school boy uniform?”_

_“Oh, it’s-”_

_“Can’t bring yourself to take it off?” Peter asks in a snotty tone, cutting off Harry._

_“Well, I really haven’t had time a chance to change out of these clothes into anything comfortable.” Harry says, uncomfortable with this conversation._

_“So you can’t bring yourself to take them off?”_

_“No, not yet. I still have to unpack my clothes.” Harry says and Peter snorts. Once again, they fall into an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes._

_“You mother was a good lady." Peter starts._

_“She truly was. I miss her everyday.”_

_“Actually, she was the classiest dames that I ever met in my lifetime. I just don’t understand how someone like _your mom_ , had someone like  _you_.” He says in a disgusted tone._

_‘That’s it. I’m not taking anymore of Harry’s shit and bad attitude any longer.’_ _Harry thinks to himself, angrily. “I’m sorry. What do you mean by that?” He asks his friend angrily._

_“Oh,” Peter says nonchalantly. “Just that you were always……..stuck up. You and your mom were total…..opposites. How she had a kid like _you_ really confuses me.” He says rubbing salt in Harry’s wound._

_“I don’t understand where all this is coming from.” Harry says, trying to keep his anger under control._

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…..offend you.” Peter sneers in a nasty tone, knowing that he’s successfully getting under Harry’s skin._

_“Well, I have a little bit of work to do.” Harry says as he stands up from his chair. “I hate to cut this visit short, but if you’ll excuse me.”_

_“Aww, what’s the matter, Harry?” Peter taunts, standing up from the couch. “Someone says something you don’t like, and all that boarding school manners of yours go right through the window?”_

_“I have a lot of work to do around here today. So once again Peter, I wish you good day.” Harry says, hoping that he isn’t in the verge of tears and Peter snorts._

_“I know what boys like you do to get their jollies in boarding school.” Peter says as he is walking up to Harry, making sure he’s standing face to face with Harry. “So, Harry, did you _give_  or did you  _receive_?” He asks Harry._

_“You always were a crude asshole. I don’t even know why we’re best friends. I can’t even believe that I ever had feelings for you. You always were a crude little bugger back then, and you still are!” Harry says coldly._

_Evidently, Harry said the wrong thing. The second those words came out of his mouth, Peter pulls Harry by his tie and pushes him against the nearest wall._

_“My money is on receive.” Peter sneers in Harry’s right ear._

_“Get the fuck off me!” He says, unaware that Peter is undoing his own jeans, pushing them down to the ground. Before Harry can catch his breath, he’s being spun around and being pushed to his knees. All of a sudden, his mouth is being filled with Peter’s dick. He starts fucking Harry’s face._

_“Oh yeah, I always knew that you would receive. Did you learn this in school?” He asks Harry, knowing that he can’t respond._

_“Ooh, so you did receive.” He says, answering his own question. “Take off your shirt.” He demands, while he takes off his hoodie and his t-shirt while he continues to face fuck Harry. Harry slowly takes his shirt off (mainly because he’s scared of Peter), and places his right hand on Peter’s dick, stroking it, leading his hand and his mouth in a synchronized rhythm._

_“I knew that you were with other boys at boarding school.” Peter says, continuing to fuck Harry’s face._

_‘I wasn’t with anybody at all. I’m still a virgin.’_ _Harry thinks to himself._

_Minutes later, Peter pulls Harry up to his feet, kissing him. “Feel good, huh?”_

_“Y-yeah.” He replies before he kisses Peter._

_“You do, huh?” He hears, not realizing that Peter is undoing the buttons on his pants._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Great.” Peter says, pulling down Harry’s pants and taking off his socks. He pulls Harry by his boxer briefs, bending him over the couch. Then he proceeds to remove his own pants and underwear, takes off his socks, before literally ripping Harry’s underwear off._

_“Wait! I haven’t-Are you gonna-” Harry starts, but his ass is quickly filled with Peter’s cock. “Oh My God! This hurts! Pete, this really hurts!” He says. Peter starts moving in and out of Harry, which makes Harry groan more and more. After a while, Harry starts to feel comfortable. _‘God. My wish finally came true. I’ve always wanted my first time to be with Peter, and I finally got my wish. I just wish it was in a bed though, but this is cool too.’__

_“Bend over some more.” Peter whispers in Harry’s ear, and he complies to Peter’s wish._

_“Oh, yeah, babe! Fuck me harder!” Harry cries._

_“Did you learn that from school? Peter groans in Harry’s ear, and Harry only moans some more._

_“Ah! Ngh! Gah! Oh my- Jesus-Fucking-Christ, Peter, does it always feel like this? Because this feels so good!”_

_“Then you’re gonna love this.” He says, before having Harry lying down on the couch on his side. He continues to fuck Harry senseless before he has Harry completely lie down on his back, making sure Harry straddles his hips while he hits the sweet spot._

_“Ay papí! Harder! Oh, Peter, right there!” He says in a deep voice. _‘So this is what heaven looks like.’_  Harry thinks as he sees stars in front of his eyes._

_“Papi? I like that!” Peter says, getting harder inside of Harry. _‘Who knew Harry can speak in Spanish?’__

_“Ay papi! Más! Más, Mi Amor! Te quiero mucho!” Harry cries, when Peter starts stroking Harry’s cock. It doesn’t take long for Harry to spill cum in Peter’s hand and on his stomach. A few moments later, Harry is clenching around Peter. “I’m gonna-”_

_“Cum inside of me!” Harry demands and Peter spills a large load of cum, deep inside of Harry. Peter rides out his erection until he pulled his dick out of Harry, watching his cum leak out of Harry’s used hole._

_“You can take this back to your boyfriend that you met at boarding school, you filthy whore.” He says before getting of the couch._

_“Actually, I can’t.” Harry tells him, sitting up on the couch._

_“What?” Peter says as he abruptly stops walking._

_“I can’t take anything to any boyfriend because I’ve never had a boyfriend. This was my first time.” Harry shyly admits._

_“So…..I was your first?” Peter asks and Harry drops his head nods his head._

_“Why did you let me fuck you then?” Peter asks incredulously._

_“Well- it’s- I- Because I still have feelings for you. Peter, I got sent to boarding school because my father found out that we had feelings for each other all those years ago. When my father found out that we kissed each other by that damn chauffeur, Norman sent me off to boarding school, cut off all communication between the two of us, which made me depressed and I didn't think that I would ever see you again until I saw your face today.” Harry says, tears rolling down his face._

_“You’re joking. Please tell me that you’re joking.” Harry hears and he shakes his head._

_‘He’s not lying. Every time he confesses something important to me, he never looks at me. What have I done?_ _’ Peter thinks to himself walking back towards Harry._

_“Wow. Harry, I- I am sorry. I truly am sorry for the way I was treating you. Even if you don’t want to see or hear from me ever again, I understand. I really am sorry for everything. All this time when I thought that you were just ignoring me, you were isolated from me. I thought that you hated me. I thought that you didn’t love me back and I was so alone when you left. I just- I am truly sorry for the way I acted. I really am sorry. And please don't believe that comment I told you about you and your mom about being different. Believe me when I tell you that your mom gave birth to a beautiful man that I am still in love with.”_

_“You really loved me?” Harry asks as he lifts his head._

_“Always have when you were here. Always did, when you were gone and I resented you for it, and I still love you now and forever.” Peter reassures him as he wipes away Harry’s tears._

_“I love you too, Pete.” He says before kissing him._

_"So now that your back, can I ask you something really important, Har?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Will you let me be your boyfriend?"_

_"I do, Pete. And will you still be my future husband?"_

_"I will, Har."_

_"Awesome. We are officially boyfriends." Harry says hugging Peter._

_“So what now, boyfriend?” Peter asks seductively._

_“Round two, in my bed, now. I still feel like a virgin and I need to experience more of my one and only, ASAP.”_

_“Let’s go then.” Peter says, picking up Harry and going off to Harry’s room._

**♂**   **♂**  

Beyond dirty right? Well that was because my best friend and I watched gay porn, which is extremely fascinating, I mean, it looks painful but nonetheless, intriguing. Well that was just the first scenario that I came up with. Especially since it was my way of saying:

 _Boy meets boy_  
_Boy loses boy  
_ _Boy gets cute boy back_

And if you're wondering why I used Harry Osborn and Peter Parker, is because I love **_EVERYTHING_** Spider-Man, okay? Deal with it, period! Anyway, moving on to the next scenario.

**♀♀**

Remember when I had mentioned that Callie and Arizona had a thing? Well, regretfully, Maggie, George, Alex and I were literally forced to watch those two bitches having sex.  I mean, can you believe that they wanted people to watch them have sex with one anther?! Those sluts owe me, big time.

Now, last Friday night, we were all invited to Callie's house for an announcement.  As Callie was thanking is for being guests at her house, a sharp knock was heard at exactly 9:16 pm.

**♀♀**

_Callie runs from the center if the living room to the front door._

_It was her girlfriend Arizona._

_"Gorgeous!" Callie greets as she kisses Arizona._

_"Hey beautiful." Arizona greets as she pulled away from her woman._

_Anyone would have to admit, seeing Callie in a dress was shocking. She really doesn't seem the type, but whatever. Her black, one shouldered gown was pretty damn beautiful._

_As for Arizona, she looked like a hot mess! Nowm that wannabe Dolly Parton red dress with that wannabe encrusted short sleeved jacket? Anybody would need some Ginger Ale after that disaster._

_Anyway, as Callie steps back from the door, Arizona passes the threshold, Callie does a sign of the cross and closes the door._

_"Hey guys." Arizona greets._

_"Hey." Everyone greets._

_"So did Callie tell you guys why you're here?"_

_"No." Alex says._

_"Why are we here anyway?" George says._

_"Ooh, ok. So we are planning on getting married soon." Arizona says._

_"Congrats!" Maggie says._

_"You called me on a Friday night, just for this?" Alex asked._

_"Alex!" April reprimands._

_"That's really beautiful guys!" George says._

_"Thank you guys." Callie says with a huge smile on her face._

_"So how are you planning on celebrating?" Maggie asks._

_Callie starts laughing._

_"Babe." Arizona says trying to contain her own laughter, but they both fail._

_The couple keep laughing for a good minute before Alex throws a pillow at them._

_"What the fuck are we here?" Alex snaps. "I am a fucking dick without food in my system, and you're wasting my precious time from getting a burger somewhere!"_

_"Fine!" Arizona says. "I invited you here for the announcement and for something else."_

_"Which is...?" Maggie asks._

_"We want you to watch us have sex!" Arizona says._

_The others start protesting._

_"Guys, guys, guys!" Callie says._

_Everyone shuts up._

_"We are exploring our sexual fantasies and we want you to enjoy our show." Arizona says._

_"You can't make us stay here!" April says._

_"Well, considering the fact that Callie confiscated your phones, handcuffed you all to each other, called Cristina and Meredith to stand guard,and I popped your tires, I think you're all stuck here."_

_"Any questions?" Callie asks as she can see the frustrations on her friend's faces._

_Everyone is silent._

_"Good." Arizona says._

_"Can we at least has some food?" Alex asks, but he is ignored._

_Callie literally pounces on Arizona, tacking her to the ground as her tongue is invading Arizona's mouth._

_Arizona starts moaning like crazy as Callie starts to run her fingers between Arizona's thighs._

_"Callie..." Arizona moans as Callie starts to kiss her way down her lover's neck. Callie starts to grind her hips against Arizona as she starts to mark her territory on her woman._

_"More." Arizona moans._

_Callie hungrily kisses Arizona to the point where the kiss is very filthy._

_"This is such a bore." April says._

_"For real. This does nothing for me." George says._

_"I have to pee." Maggie says._

_"I need some fucking food." Alex complains as Callie's fingers are fumbling with the zipper on Arizona's dress._

_They break apart for a moment so that Callie can run her hand down the front of Arizona's dress._

_"Goddamn, babe! No bra?" Callie smirks as she starts to squeeze Arizona's left tit._

_"Nope." Arizona answers through her moan. "I though you might like the easy access."_

_"You thought correctly." Callie says as she squeezes Arizona's nipple._

_"Fuck....." Arizona moans hungrily._

_Callie continues to squeeze her lover's nipples for quite sometime, that Arizona whimpers. Arizona is so turned on that she starts tugging on Callie's dress._

_Callie removes her dress and her bra._

_"Take it off, Callie." George says as her bra lands on his head._

_As Callie leans down to place a trail of kisses down Arizona'a navel, Arizona moans as her breasts are being squeezed. Once Callie finished placing kisses on down her lover's torso, she moves to motorboat Arizona's breasts._

_Arizona laughs as Callie is pleasuring her._

_Suddenly, Callie starts sucking on one of her nipples._

_"Callie...." Arizona moans pathetically._

_"I fucking love your tits." Callie groans, burring her face in-between her lover's breasts one more time before she wedges a hand down beneath them and gets her hand up and underneath Arizona's dress that's still bunched up against her waist._

_"Touch me." Arizona whines._

_Callie's fingers slide across the outside of her underwear and she can feel how wet Arizona's center is._

_"This is some boring ass shit!" Alex complained. "Just fuck already so I can eat."_

_"I need a nap." Maggie says._

_"So fucking wet already, fuck, gonna fuck you so good." Callie moans, she pushes Arizona's underwear to the side enough to get her fingers underneath and on her._

_"Finally!" Alex exclaims._  
  
Arizona hisses at the cool sensation of Callie's fingers, but her thighs spread wider for Callie and Callie lets his fingers run over her wetness coating her own fingers in Arizona's slick. Her thumb brushes across _Arizona_ _'s clit, causing_ _Arizona_ _'s thighs to quiver a bit and Callie bites along_ _Arizona_ _'s jaw as she pushes one finger inside of_ _Arizona_ _._  
  
Arizona's breath hitches as she pushes back down on the digit, and Callie grins her own hips rutting against _Arizona_ _'s thighs. It doesn't take long before Arizona is whining for Callie to add another finger so she does just that, she pushes in a second finger and Arizona's back arches at the feeling, moans rippling from her as Callie's thumb works over her clit._  
  
_“Yes. Yes!” Arizona yells out as she is losing her mind._  
  
_“Who knew that she could be so loud?” Maggie asks._  
  
_“I know.” George supplies._  
  
_“You do?” Maggie asks._  
  
_“He was married to Callie back in the day.” Alex supplies as he looks at his watch._  
  
_“Really?” A shocked Maggie asks. “Tell me this is a joke.”_  
  
_“It came out of her own mouth.” April confirms._  
  
_“Wow.” Maggie says._  
  
Callie keeps fucking _Arizona_ _with her fingers for a tiny bit longer, before she's pulling them out and bringing her fingers up to her out sucking on them loudly as she locks eyes with_ _Arizona_ _._

 _"Fuck, so hot babe." Callie groans leaning up to kiss along Callie’s collarbones. "You gonna fuck me with that big fat, dildo of yours?" Callie purrs causing Callie's eyes to roll back in her head before she nods._ ****  
  
Arizona gets up off ground, walks by her friends as she sheds her underwear before she gets Callie’s pink dildo out of her cupboard. She knows for a fact that her lover has it up and high out of site, so Callie has a perfect view of _Arizona_ _'s back and ass as she reaches for the toy. When she finally has it she returns to the living room floor and she gently eases the dildo inside of herself. Thanking god she was so turned on already that it just slipped in and she didn't have to lube herself up._

_“Now were getting somewhere.” Alex says._

_“Are…Is-Please tell me that this isn’t turning you on!” April exclaims._

_“Well, I am a guy, so….” Alex tells her._

_"And to think, you were hungry." Maggie says._

_At this point, Callie takes the dildo in her hand, and proceeds to thrust it into_ _Arizona_ _._

 _“Yes! Just like that!”_ _Arizona_ _writhes a few minutes later as Callie is working her magic on_ _Arizona_ _._

_She yanks Callie’s hair back hard, when she feels the cock plumber into her. Her thighs start to shake and she is so close to her orgasm, she can feel it in the pit of her stomach and she just needs something to push her over the edge._

_“Harder! HARDER, GODDAMN IT! HARDER!”_ _Arizona_ _yells._

_“You heard the woman!” Alex yells._

_“Yeah! Harder!” George concurs loudly._

_After months of doing this, it's become second nature to locate_ _Arizona_ _’s g-spot. She starts to toy with her lover’s clit, thumbing over it and tugging it the way_ _Arizona_ _likes and she can feel her girlfriend's thighs tighten around her dildo. Callie works her toy even faster, and works her thumb harder over_ _Arizona_ _'s clit when she feels her lover's whole body start to quiver._  
  
_"Fuck!"_ _Arizona_ _practically shouts as her orgasm washes over her._  
  
_“How was that?” Callie asks a few minutes later once Arizona comes down from her high._  
  
_“BORING!!” Maggie and April yell out._  
  
_“You got a cigarette?” Alex moans._  
  
_“I thought that you were hungry.” Maggie states._  
  
_“Here.” George says as he hands Alex a cigarette._  
  
_“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” April says. “Look, this certainly was something I’ve never seen before and it was definitely…..something.”_  
  
_“Thanks, Keps.” Callie says._  
  
_“Can I go now?” April asks._  
  
_“Was it strange letting us watch you?” Maggie asks._  
  
_“Can you call me the next time you have sex?” George and Alex ask._ **  
**

**♀♀**

I am seriously going to get my revenge on those heifers.

All I have to say is this:

 _Girl meets girl_  
_Girl loses girl_  
_Girl gets cute girl back_

Okay. So they never lost each other, but whatever.

Now, for the biggest fantasy fuck that I can’t wait to have.

 **♂♀**  

 _"Dare: Do an impression of a belly dancer."_ _Jackson_ _read off of his Jenga piece._

_"I finally get to see you dance!" April squeals in delight. "Now, I love playing Jenga, especially when we are high!"_

_"Curse you, Jenga." He says as he gets up off the floor and start belly dancing for April._

_"That's right,_ _Jackson_ _. Shake what your mama gave you!" She praises as he is belly dancing._

_"Woooo!" He says as he finishes his dance._

_"That was amazing_ _Jackson_ _. Maybe you can teach me a thing or two." She laughs._

_"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Your turn."_

_"Alright. Uh…." A few seconds later, she takes a piece from the middle of the building and reads the Description out loud. "Truth: Describe your worst moment at a party."_

_"Ah, I can't wait to hear this."_ _Jackson_ _says evilly._

_"I got so drunk at a party once, that the next day I woke up with a single green highlight in my hair and sold my bra to one of my sister's friends."_

_"That would have been an awesome site to see."_

_"As a wig, maybe and it would have been a cool color to rock. High school was definitely a fun time for me. Your turn."_

_"I got one." He says as he pulled a piece from the tower. "Dare: Rub noses with another player. Awesome."_ _Jackson_ _rubs his nose against April's nose and she laughs._

_"Ok, enough of this crap." April says as she pushes him away and pulls a piece from the bottom. "Aw, this one doesn't say anything at all. Oh well, you're up."_

_"You are a lucky gal." He says, pulling a piece near the bottom. "Truth: Which famous personality do you have a crush on?"_

_"Piece of cake. Justin Timberlake. I love how he sang Mirrors and-"_

_"April, the question was meant for me, remember?"_

_"Oops." She laughs._

_"I am going to say….Avril Levine because she is a brilliant song writer. Why? I once had a friend who once sang Avril's song Girlfriend to me. It was amazing."_

_"Some one did that to you?" She asks him after lighting the joint in her hand._

_"Yup, and she was awful at singing it."_

_"Wow." She said after taking a few hits._

_"Pass the dutchie on the left hand side, man." Jackson whines, and she passes the joint._

_"I was expecting you to say Alicia Keys because she has some deep songs like _Wait 'til You See My Smile_ and _No One_." She says while she pulls another piece from the middle of the tower._

_"Dare: Imitate your favorite pop/rock star."_

_"Yeah, bad karaoke!"_ _Jackson_ _cheers. "Go April, go April, go!"_

 _"I've had enough of danger_  
_And people on the streets_  
_I'm looking out for angels_  
_Just trying to find some peace_  
_Now I think it's time_  
_That you let me know_  
_So if you love me_  
_Say you love me_  
_But if you don't just let me go_

 _'Cause teacher_  
_There are things that I don't want to learn_  
_And the last one I had_  
_Made me cry_  
_So I don't want to learn to_  
_Hold you, touch you_  
_Think that you're mine_  
_Because it ain't no joy_  
_For an uptown boy_  
_Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye"_

 _"Wow!"_ _Jackson_ _said in awe. "April, that was- I didn't- wow." He says dreamily. "Will you continue the song for me?"_

_"Maybe, but for right now, let's finish the game." She tells him though her high pitched laugh._

_"Damn, you're an evil red-headed gal." He says, pulling a piece from the top. "Truth" Have you ever been skinny dipping?" He read from the block. "Yes I have."_

_"Ooh! You're nasty." She laughs. “Give me the deets!”_

_"It was at a hotel in_ _Florida_ _with a few friends of mine back in high school and I'll leave it at that." He giggles._

**♥**

_"Dare: Slow dance with a broom."_ _Jackson_ _reads from the block._

_"Oh, this is gonna be awesome. Hurry along, Cinderella." April tells him as he stands up to get the broom._

_"Don't call me that!" He yells keeping his laughter at bay. A few moments later, he comes back with the broom._

_"I hope you are ready for this."_

_"Almost, let me just….Ah here you go." She says putting on Monica's song_ _For You I Will_ _for_ _Jackson_ _to dance to. After the song is done, he puts the broom back in its place and sits back down on the ground, waiting for April to stop laughing._

_"I take it that you're satisfied?"_

_"I'm ecstatic!" She says laughing her head off. "You can be my butler anytime you feel like it."_

_"Screw that. I'll hire one for you."_

_"Since I am the queen of this house, you wouldn't." She laughs._

_"I so would." He tells her._

_"You're so lazy."_

_"Remind me never to smoke weed with you again."_ _Jackson_ _laughs._

_"That's a promise I can keep, especially since this is our first time smoking." She laughs._

_"Oh yeah." He says with his eyes opening comically wide._

**♥**

_"Truth: Favorite TV Show."_

_"I answer know already this the to. You're than show gonna say favorite is your_ _The_ _Bell_ _by Saved_ _." He says incorrectly._

 _"Some… you art friend. My faborite is show_ _The Golden Girls_ _, nut you town cross." She tells him as they laugh._

_"Correction: **FRIEND BEST** , huh?!" He corrects her as he laughs._

**♥**

_"Dare: Sing…..OOH! Aretha Franklin song." Jackson reads, pouting._

_"Good, motherfucka luck!" April advises._

_"Alright ladies-gentle, I'm sing going... Fool of Chains."_

_"Get your to. Here's it mic." She tells him, handing him a vodka bottle._

_"Ready?"_

_"I'll pretty as boy ever be." She responds and he starts to sing._

_Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain of fools_

 _For five long years_  
_I thought you were my man_  
_But I found out_  
_I'm just a link in your chain_

 _You got me where you want me_  
_I ain't nothin' but your fool_  
_Ya treated me mean_  
_Oh you treated me cruel_

 _Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain of fools_

 _Every chain, has got a weak link_  
_I might be weak yeah_  
_But I'll give you strength_  
_Oh, hey_

 _You told me to leave you alone_  
_My father said, "Come on home"_  
_My doctor said, "Take it easy"_  
_Oh but your lovin' is much too strong_  
_I'm added to your_

 _Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chai-i-in_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain of fools_

 _One of these mornings_  
_The chain is gonna break_  
_But up until the day_  
_I'm gonna take all I can take, oh hey_

 _Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chain_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain, chain, chai-i-in_  
_(Chain, chain, chain)_  
_Chain of fools_

 _Chain, chain, chai-i-in_  
_Chain, chain, chain_  
_Chain, chain, chai-i-in_  
_Chain of fools_

_"Woo! Emcorn, emcord!" April cheers sloppily. "Now, me give mic the. I need…. siiip because I think I saw a TV in a woman Colonial."_

**♥**

_As April is humming the song she was singing earlier,_ _Jackson_ _is so distracted by her humming that he looks up at her and he unconsciously knocks down the tower._

_"Fuck!"_

_"YES! I WIN! I WON! YOU LOST AND I WON!" April cheers. "You know the deal. Now you gotta buy me some whiskies and In 'n Out cause I WON, BITCH! WOOO, GET_ _DOW_ _N!" She cheers, snapping her fingers._

_"Alright then." He says helping her up. "Did you rig this game?"_

_"Rig the game? Now I know that you're really high." She laughs wagging her eyebrows._

_"Am not!" He denies as he giggles._

_"Are too!" She says._

_"Am not!" He repeats._

_"Yes you are!" She tells him._

_"Am-"_

_April kisses him._

_Jackson_ _kisses back._

_April pulls away._

_"Sorry about-"_

_Jackson_ _cuts April off by kissing her._

_"Would you like an appetizer?" She asks him._

_"What kind of appetite?"_

_"How about," She starts, dropping to her knees. "I start here." She says, unbuckling his belt._

_"I'd say that's awesome." He tells her in a sober manner._

_"Next, I'd pull down your pants and underwear a little." She says, sounding sober herself._

_"Oh baby."_

_"Then I'd do this." She concludes, placing her mouth on the tip of his dick._

_"Oh yeah." He moans. April takes more of Jackson in, stroking him, leading her hand and mouth in sync with one another for a while._

_"Oh fuck, April."_ _Jackson_ _pants. "I'm gonna-" April suddenly stops._

_"Wow, good timing. I'm going to repay the favor." He tells her, taking off his clothes._

_"_ _Jackson_ _, you don't have to-"_

_"I want to." He says, helping her out of her dress._

_"But-"_

_"Shhh." He tells her, taking off her underwear. After all her clothes are off, he simply stares at her body._

_"Good lord, you're fucking beautiful. I can no longer pretend that doesn't mean a thing to me." He tells her._

_He carries her to the bed and proceeds to kiss almost every inch of her body. As he gets to her clitoris,_ _Jackson_ _looks up at her._

_"Do you really want this?" He asks her._

_"Freak me, baby." She harmonizes. He goes down on her and she moans loudly._

_"_ _Jackson_ _, oh_ _Jackson_ _." He hears as she buries her fingers in his hair._

_"Oh fuck! Stop teasing me, babe." She moans. "I want that big cock of yours in me!"_

_"You want it?" He asks._

_"Yeah."_

_"Your really want it?" He repeats, teasing her with his dick._

_"Please." She moans. "Let me have it."_

_"Oh baby."_

_"You know I want it, so just destroy me already."_

_"Your wish is my command." He tells her, as he enters within her. They both moan in unison._

_"Oh yeah!" She moans loudly as he starts to go deeper and deeper inside of her. He thrusts harder and harder, but keeps a slow steady pace. She starts crying tears of joy and tells him, "Oh baby, I love this! Give it to me! Harder!" She cries and he flips their position so that he is on his back on the bed._

_"Oh yeah, you feel so good." He tells her as he trusts into her._

_"Right there!" She yells out as she bounces on him._

_"There?"_

_"Yeah." She moans. "Let me bend over so that you can spank me." She begs bending over. He compiles to her wish and spanks him._

_"Oh yeah baby. I'm gonna- I'm gonna-"_

_"Don’t stop,_ _Jackson_ _." She moans, and he shoots his load inside of her._

_"God, you were amazing." He tells her, panting heavily._

_"I concur. That was out of this world!" April says with a smile on her face._

_"Aren't you happy we did our own sexy, role play, story time sessions?"_

_"Very glad my sexy husband." She says kissing him._

_"I love you."_

_"I love you more."_

_"I love you best." He tells her._

**♀**   **♂**  

Now that last one, man that one turned me on. The crazy part? It was a sweet, sweet fantasy that seemed so, so, real. I really hope that I can achieve that. Plus, the man in my dream looked like a man I met before. He looked like a Jackson. He acted like a Jackson. So he has to be a Jackson. He has to be. Enough of this fantasy. The point that I was trying to make is very simple when it comes to love and being yourself, and here it is:

 _Free to be who you really are_  
_One rule_  
_No rules_  
_One love_  
_Free xone_

 _Love your sister_  
Love your brother  
Love yourself

 _Remember_  
_One rule_  
_No rules_  
_One love_  
_Free xone_

 **PS:** Don't forget to use condoms! Protection _**IS** _ the priority! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: One More Try - George Michael  
> Song Used: Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin


	10. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Prelude To Dealing With Grief

_"You don't have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memory."_

**┼**

"Boy, is that true. It's true because-"


	11. Together Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll Never Forget You

_There are times_  
_When I look above_  
_And beyond_  
_There are times when I feel your love_  
_Around me baby_  
_I'll never forget my baby_  
_I'll never forget you_

Every time I hear those words, I think about the most important parts of life that always comes naturally.

Birth.

Crawling.

Talking.

Walking.

Learning.

Meetings.

Conversations.

Laughter.

Bonding.

Life-experiences.

Happiness.

Everything in-between.

In sickness and in health.

**_Death._ **

One of the best superstars that ever lived once said: _"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."_

Michael Jackson was a smart, talented man if you ask me. 

Those are the words that go through my mind when I think of....well, pretty much everything and everyone. Think about it, life has no guarantees at all, so what we do with our own life is all up to us. It has it's ups and downs, but that's just how it is. It's so sad, but there's something that is truly inevitable.

Now, even though there are many different things to grieve over, but I'd rather talk about the one thing that makes sense to me at the moment.

Death, the inevitable end of our lives.

I think we should work some psychology into this.

 

 **1:** Denial - “This can’t be happening to me.”

 **2:** Anger - “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

 **3:** Bargaining - “Make this not happen, and in return I will .....”

 **4:** Depression - “I’m too sad to do anything.”

 **5:** Acceptance - “I’m at peace with what happened.”

 

That's all the psychology that makes sense when we deal with death.

It is true in everything that happens, particularly when something bad has happened, **_especially_** when some in mourning one's death.

Trust me, I know. Man, it's been so hard to keep living after what went down.

My best friend was killed in a senseless car accident caused by a drunk-driver. I can't believe that Reed is gone. It's still so hard to believe that she's gone. Reed....let me tell you about her. Reed ~~is~~ was one of those people that you'd want to have as a friend. She would travel down the road and back again anytime that you needed a friend. Her heart was always true, plus he was my pal and my confidant. Reed would throw a party, and invite everyone we knew. I could see the biggest gift would be from her, but guess what made me smile the most? The card attached would always end with the words _'Thank You For Being A Friend.'_

It's been 3 days since I've slept, 5 days since my last meal....it's so much. It hasn't even been too long, but it's hard knowing that the one person I was close to is now dead. Just because of a man who had way too much to drink, driving erratically at 11:30 at night. He drove on the wrong side of the road, ran into my friend's car, head-on, wrapped his car on a light post, while my best friend was instantly dead from the impact, car totaled. I want to forgive him, but I hate him so bad. I hate him for living and escaping without a scratch. I hate him for being able to walk away, returning to his friends and family while my best friend can never return.

It hurts.

One of my friends from back home, Andrew, is also feeling how I'm feeling as well. See, a cousin of his was brutally raped by someone she married, several times. That's not even the worst part. The first time resulted in her being pregnant with fraternal twins for him. The second time, he gave her Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome, more commonly known as AIDS. My understanding of the situation was that he was dating his mistress at the time when his wife had been out of state, attending her widowed father's funeral. We thought very highly of her at the time, being able to go to school, take care of her little boy and girl, and running her own magazine firm. Poor Leah. She was a cool person to hang out with. Little did Leah know, her husband had been very promiscuous and that he had HIV.

Man looking back at her story, I thought that I was invincible, and have it all when I would be in a secure place to have a family of my own. Now that I know what even those around you can fuck you over, it turns out that I was dead wrong. It's impossible to imagine that 5 years later, that someone would be lying in a hospital bed, quarantined, with pneumocystis pneumonia and a few years to live. Youth, is not immortality at all my friends. Youth is the power to make all different kinds of choices. Now that she's gone, I ask one thing to ask of you, and that is to always choose life, live responsibly and to make wise decisions.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve at all. Experiencing loss is sadly a part of human life, however, when you find a way to cope with it, life becomes a little bit easier to handle once you've readjusted to it. Here are  some of the things that I've learned that I try to keep in mind.

 

 **1.** Acknowledge your pain.  
  
**2.** Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.  
  
**3.** Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.  
  
**4.** Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.  
  
**5.** Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.  
  
**6.** Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

 

Some of the opinions that I've heard about grief baffles the hell out of me, but that's what they are - opinions. Take my therapist. She gave me some bullshit about dealing with grief, which made no damn sense to me at all. It really pissed me off.

_"Grief should last about a year."_

_"Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss."_

_"If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss."_

Fuck those myths in the ass. Why should one tell me about grief when grief affects people differently?

I for one, would love to see her take her own damn advice.

At least she could have told me some useful shit about emotional grief. Thank God for the internet for this one. This is what I read about emotional symptoms of grief, and it seems so....applicable.

 

  * **Shock and disbelief** – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.
  * **Sadness** – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
  * **Guilt** – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
  * **Anger** – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
  * **Fear** – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.



 

That would’ve helped me a lot, because this seems like something that I can use for the future.

 _Everywhere I go_  
_Every smile I see_  
_I know you are there_  
_Smilin’ back at me_  
_Dancin in moonlight_  
_I know you are free_  
_Cuz I can see your star_  
_Shinin’ down on me_  
  
_Together again, ooh_  
_Good times we'll share again_  
_Together again, ooh_  
_Makes me wanna dance_  
_Together again, ooh_  
_Say it loud and proud_  
_Together again, ooh_  
_All my love's for you_

You know what? I can go, on and on about this topic, but I won’t because this is really making me more sad and angry about losing my best friend. I am just happy that……No. I won’t even start up with that at the moment. I think that I will just end with something that is very personal to me.

 

♥

 

Dear Reed,

Thank you so much for being there for me, boo. Well, I can honestly say that we've all learned a lot from each other. I mean, you taught me life does not have to be boring because you've surpassed the age of 21. I taught you that you can become much more comfortable with embracing sexuality because we aren’t little girls. We taught each other that a square knot can be handy when someone is annoying the hell out of us. Thank you for reminding me that when I sleep with the man I will eventually marry who comes into my life, will be with me forever and that I will not be alone.

There's this phantom of you there, and you know the haunts of my prior relationships, and, well, I-I can't pretend you're not a part of me. It's been my great privilege to be your friend as an adult. To spend our wild, crazy, years with you. And that self-confidence, Reed, is the greatest gift that you could have ever given me. You don't have to say anything if you find this crazy. I mean, what can you say about ten years of fights and laughter and secrets? Wine and cheesecake? Endless reruns of _Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, Game of Thrones_? _Harry Potter_ weekend movie marathons? Trips to the record store to, just to listen to music? Shopping at _Target_ just for the heck of it? Rocking it in the streets without a dollar in our pockets, like we aren’t broke? Singing Mariah Carey's _One Sweet Day_ when we are missing someone we lost in our lifetime? Ok, I guess I'll be doing that last one by myself from now on. Don’t worry because I can't forget the endless sex stories!

Well, it's been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart. And that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold or feeling alone, and I forget that there are people like you who are warm and loving and always present. I'll miss you.

It’s hard to believe that you’re gone, but I’ll eventually be happy because you are now resting in eternal peace. Just remember, Reed Adamson, you'll always be a part of me. Your friendship was something I never expected at in my life about 10 years ago. And I could never have asked for a better surprise. I love you, always and forever. And I will always remember the advice that we heard from Grey’s Anatomy _‘Don't let what your future significant others eclipse what you need. They might be dreamy, but they aren't the sun, you are.’_

I will not allow time to erase one bit of yesterday or the yester-years. I know that nobody can take your place, but thank you for weaseling your way into my life. Though we can never be physically near each other, I’ll do my best to keep your memory alive. I’ll think of you and me, and I’ll always remember our love. You are and always will be my sister. You’re never too far. Thank you for being a friend.

Love,

April

 

♥

 

Shit! That was some heavy stuff! At least Reed can never judge me about writing this letter to her, but I hope that she'll understand. 


	12. Online

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chat Rooms

_"Who can I communicate with……?"_

_That's the thought that's going through my head as I am surfing through all my social media account. It's-_

_"BINGO!"_

**♀**

A notification pops up.

April screams, but what does it mean?


	13. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How One Can Feel Empty

_"Are you there?"_

_"Yes. I'm here."_

_"Thank goodness! I need some advice. Could you please help me?"_

_"That depends. What do you need advice on?"_

_"So I have a friend who wants to create a something that would profess her undying love her boyfriend, but she wants to be.....unique about it."_

_"I think I've got it."_

_"Really?!"_

_"Yup. Why not help her create a collage with either pictures or little momentous? Make it colorful, memorable and throw in a poem to make add a personal touch to the collage. I think it'll work."_

_"I actually love that idea! Thank you Mr. Suave. You are by far the most helpful man on this platform."_

_"Thank you, Hot Stuff. I realize the we have some.....anonymity on here."_

_"Which is true."_

_"But since we've been talking for almost a year, do you by any chance have a name?"_

_"April."_

**♥♀♂♥**

Ah, social media conversations. They are quite fun to have. What I love about having conversations online, it holds a sense of security that no one can take away from you. That is if you are playing your cards right when you're constantly using social media platforms. Everyone has a voice to express themselves, and I find social media very convenient in this day and age. Here are a few my favorite things when I think about social media.

One: I like the fact that someone will most likely **_always_** find someone to talk to about any and everything. For example, my favorite go to social media platform would easily be YouTube. I can go on there and just watch music videos by Janet Jackson, watch tutorials by Martha Stewart, watch performances of my favorite songs by Mariah Carey, sit and watch bits and pieces of the movie _The Perks Of Being A Wallflower_ , adapted from the novel _The Perks Of Being A Wallflower_ , so on and so forth. The most important one for me though when I want a good laugh, would be to watch three YouTuber Channels, namely _SupDaily06_ , _Ashley Miller_ and _BeyStan87_. They are all crazy in their own way, however they aren't the ones to sugar coat anything when they bring up a crucial topic that people around us tend to ignore.

Let's start with _SupDaily06_ , Chris Thompson, and what he talks about. He talks about a lot of things, such as: LGBTQ+ topics, relationships, sex related advice, moving, aging, etc, etc. What I like about him is that he chooses a topic -let's say dating advice- and he will give you the man's point of view, which is helpful to me. Chris never sugarcoats anything because one: he says that every guy _IS_ different, two: not every guy will get the girl of their dreams once they've taken a chance on love, and three: how entering a sexual relationship with the other person’s consent.

What I also like about his channel is the fact that when he gets down to the real heavy topics, it’s really detailed and truly something that one should pay attention to because he as aware of the things that are currently happening. For example, he has spoken to people that have their opinions on the political climate that we are living in. He talks about how he risked not going to college and start a career by making videos on YouTube for the past decade or so. Sometimes, he talks about the dangers of online/app dating, something that he has dealt with, which can be informative.

As I mentioned before, he has a lot of topics that he talks about, and it is great that he isn’t limiting himself at all. I think it’s great to have someone talk about things of these nature because there are topics that he talks about that no one would ever dare to tackle at all. It’s also great that he looks at everything from his perspective, gets people to be in his video to voice their opinions and asks his viewers to leave a comment so that he can hear what people have to say. As Chris says, _“Thumbs up equals a kiss and a favorite equals a hug.”_

Next, I'll talk about _BeyStan87_. This channel is hosted by two women named Tiffany and Ta’Naea. These two cousins are interesting in terms of how their relationship is shown. When you watch one of their videos, you wouldn't think that they are related at all. What I find funny about these two would be the fact that Ta’Naea calls Tiffany a _"trash-ass bitch"_ when she disagrees with Tiffany, while Tiffany simply calls Ta’Naea a _"bitch"_ whenever she's annoyed. That never fails to make me laugh, especially when I need a good laugh.

These two ladies talk about any and everything that they want to when they post videos. Since I’ve mentioned that, you’re probably wondering what my favorite topic is right? Well, the topic that they talk about that I _**LOVE**_ to talk about would be the television series _Scandal_. Now, one of my favorite reviews of _Scandal_ that they posted was season 6, episode 9 aptly titled _Dead in the Water_. The premises of the episode was that one of Olivia Pope’s associate’s, Diego Munoz –best known as Huck- was shot by someone who was hired to murder him. Now, I don’t even know where to begin because the episode kept me on the edge of my seat. Long story short, as it’s a long story, I’ll sum this up very quickly because this episode was just too much. Abby, another Olivia Pope associate, had Huck (who’s basically family) shot because she made a deal with _“the devil”_ who was planning to assassinate the president elect, after she had her husband killed. Olivia Pope and her other associates, Quinn Perkins and Charlie, had to find out what happened to Huck in a short amount of time as he was left for dead in a quarry. Messy right?

Sure, Tiffany and Ta’Naea somewhat told the story out of order, but they basically got it done within forty-something minutes. They gave us a shirt recap of the previous episode, _A Stomach For Blood_ , reviews Dead in the Water and then tell you what the premises of the next episode _The Decision_. It was good seeing a channel where two women gave their opinion on each and every character’s actions, what the Associate’s did to find their “Gladiator” (yes, Olivia Pope and her associates Quinn, Huck, Marcus and Charlie call themselves gladiators) who fell, which is noble as they consider themselves as family. It was also nice knowing that these women have a love person and a hate person of the week, which shows that they are dedicated fans to the show. Nothing gets better than that.

Last but not least, Ashley Miller. Where can I say about this crazy ass woman? I guess I can say that she takes her time to give you a thorough review of whatever she watches or lives through a certain life experience. Now, I know this is going to sound strange, but she calls people _‘bitch’_ as a term of endearment by looking annoyed or a huge smile on her face. A what? A term of endearment is what I said. That is too crazy to think about! The first time I saw one of her videos, I couldn’t stop laughing because she is so silly. For example, when she popped up in one of her videos, she looked so excited that I swore that she had gotten laid the previous night. Turns out, she was just really to share what her DNA consisted of at 9:07 - Chicago time- in the morning when she should have been at work.  

So, she quickly talks about the DNA Ancestry kit and the process for a few minutes before she gets down to the DNA results. (Man, that last part made me want to watch _Maury_ just for the paternity tests.) As she looks through her results, she is totally shocked. According to her results, Ashley is 85% African, less than 1% American, less than 1% Asian, and 13% European. Can you believe that? Just hearing her talk about what her DNA consists of made me realize that some people are just so comfortable talking about personal things to complete strangers.

I will say this about Ashley Miller. She makes everything funny because she is just that crazy. For example, when she said that the African portion was 25% Benin Tago, 24% Cameroon/Congo, 19% Ivory Coast/Ghana and 9% Nigerian, Ashley said that she has yet to get with somebody tonight, all while flashing her teeth the the camera, giggling like a moron. You have to watch it to see her reaction and all the jokes that she throws in, particularly when she’s throwing a shout out to certain regions of the European civilization. It’s just so crazy that she would consider telling people about this because of one little thing known as DNA. I think she might meet one of her relatives that come from different parts of the world though social media because of her openness.

Now, I think that you’ve had enough about them with their opinions and such. The main point that I conveyed here is pretty simple if you sit and think about everything that I have mentioned here. From my personal conversation with Matthew, to talking about people on YouTube, all have one thing in common, which I know will surprise you. What is it? Everyone of us are basically empty in some kind of way. That is right, empty.

We can all have the necessary people in our lives, but yet we feel…….empty. We crave someone or something to help us fill a void that we unknowingly have, but it is trick to fill in. Some people use social media platforms such as: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, Pintrest, so on and so forth, but at the end of the day, social media isn’t always a safe bet. I heard of cases where someone commits suicide for their sexuality, or bullied from where they come from, and it’s just sad. Every time I go on social media, someone is always airing somebody else’s dirty laundry, which causes complete havoc on one’s life.

All in all, when someone is using social media, people are captivated by use of textured verb. You don’t even have to meet, and you can build great relationships because of social media. I think the best way to sum up my overall feelings about social media and the internet, is that you can be a friend to virtually anybody, as long as you have good intentions to befriend someone and treat them like your equal. All though this isn’t common knowledge, the net is a good way to meet somebody who isn’t face to face, but you can get to know them. Whether it’s just to talk to somebody, meet somebody to befriend or fall in love with, you’ll be temporarily filling a void where you feel empty.  

Like in my case, I have never felt so alive when I started talking to Matthew a while back. It felt like I was fulfilled by something/someone I can't see or touch, and it feels so great. Even though I have yet to meet him, it’s great that I can build a sense of security for myself since we haven’t seen each other in person before. I’ve just seen his pictures and he’s seen mine, but it’s not the same as meeting face to face I mean, we haven’t even met, and yet I feel so connected to him because of all the things we’ve talked about. I think I’m falling in love. Oh the things that I would like to do with him if he were around. I wouldn’t mind going to a movie, taking a walk in the park, something with him. Just like everyone else who loves talking to someone over social media, I am empty without hearing from him.

 _When I close my eyes_  
_I can see your face_  
_When I lick my lips_  
_I can taste your smile_  
_When I see your name_  
_My heart starts to race_  
_If I can't read your thoughts_  
_Then I feel empty_

**♥♀♂♥**

_"I missed you the other day. How's it going today, April?"_

_"My day was uneventful. I exercised for a good hour and a half this morning, ran my errands, visited my girlfriends down the block and I just got home about twenty minutes ago."_

_"Sounds fun. And quite innocent."_

_"Don't let my friends hear that. They are some crazy ass women. I wonder what it'll be like if they saw the other side of me."_

_"Mmm, is it a dark side?"_

_"Down, Big Boy."_

_"Big Boy? "_

_"Yes, Matthew. Big Boy. "_

**♥♀♂♥**

_"Well, I'm 36, 5'5" with shoulder length brown hair, and a somewhat petite body. What do you look like?"_

_"Hmmm, I'm slightly older......well, not really because I am 38. 6'3". My hair is dark brown."_

**♥♀♂♥**

_"Night Matt."_

_"And goodnight to you too, April. Hope you-"_

**♥♀♂♥**

The internet connection dies, along with my conversation with Matthew.

Damn. 

Disconnected.


	14. Full

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full, But In What Way?

_"How empty of me to feel so full of you."_

**♀**

Oh boy.

You know what?

I have to tell you something that I tried to repress for the longest time.

The not so great footnote in my life. It's so.....God! I fucking hate this shit!!! I can't believe that I was so stupid!


	15. What About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How I, April Kepner, Was Dealing With Abuse

Ugh, the lowest part of my life.

Abuse in almost every sense of the word.

Now, remember when I told you about Matthew Taylor? When I told you that he was seemingly perfect in every sense of the word? Well, here are some of things that I would like to tell you about him. He believes in God, he was friendly with everyone who came his way, charming, cheerful, nice smile, good in bed and very sympathetic. The problem with that is that what you see isn't always the best view at all.

One night after dinner, we took a stroll on the beach, underneath the stars. He held my hand in his as we were walking to the pier.

Suddenly he stopped walking and he kissed me.

"April, I want everything with you. I want to wake up next to you, share this world with you. Will you marry me?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"Say yes, babe. I want to spend my life with you."

I looked him straight in the eyes, about to say yes, until I remembered the hell that he put me through, plus the questions that came along with it.

 _What about the times you lied to me?_  
_What about the times you said no one would want me?_  
_What about all the shit you've done to me?_  
_What about that, what about that?_  
_What about the times you yelled at me?_  
_What about the times I cried, you wouldn't even hold me?_  
_What about those things?_  
_What about that, what about that?_

Those were the words that were running through my head, and to tell you the truth, it hurts as there were more words from Matthew that ran through my head.

_"You're fucking useless."_

_"Guess what, Bitch? You should know that no one would ever want someone as stupid as you are. You should be lucky that I am here to love your pathetic ass."_

I have landed in the hospital so many times, nearly beaten to death, and cheated on. He really expects me to say yes to him?! He a prisoner of his love?! Live this lie for the rest of my life?! Is that his plan? Is that what he sees me as? A piece of property or trash that he can use when he's bored? Flood the gates with all the abuse that I've endured, just to be with him for the rest of my life?

I don't think so!

Me, April Kepner, be with Matthew Taylor _"Until death do us part"_   in total and complete misery?!

Nope!

I can't believe that I was stupid to trust him. What's even more stupid is the fact that I stayed.

I stayed.

I FUCKING STAYED!

God, I'm an goddamn idiot!

So remember a while back when I said that I wish that I could've spent more time with my friend? The one where I wanted to have a conversation with her about her cheating boyfriend? Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I lied. Yup. I lied and I'm not proud of it. See, there was a cheating boyfriend, but that _"friend"_ that I mentioned, was actually yours truly.

Where do I begin?

I guess I should tell you some deep details about my relationship with Matthew.

Matthew and I officially met face-to-face at church one Sunday after service. I wasn't really thinking about date anyone to date at all, but when we bumped into each other, I thought that he was very handsome. What I respected about Matthew when I first met him was the fact that he was sensitive and shy. I remember him telling me that he was saving himself for marriage, which I thought was admirable. I loved that he respected women and has good values, but that was before everything unraveled.

One time after about seven months of dating, Matthew came home visibly sad. I asked him what the matter was, and he told me that he had a family emergency, but his card was declined since they hadn't received the payment yet. Naturally, I suggested that he should borrow money from a friend and that when he got paid, he would pay his friend back. He ended up slapping me, saying that he would never borrow money from a friend. He slapped me like I was a dummy. He slapped me.

Another time, I had gone out to town with Reed - when she was still in the land of the living- for drinks, I had forgotten my phone. When I got back home, Reed had come up for a glass of water, which was fine with me. The both of us had entered the apartment, just to find an angry Matthew watching the door. Reed and I had greeted him, but he simply ignored us and stared at me with a hard stare. After I gave Reed a bottle of water, she bid me a good night and I walked with her to the door. As soon as Reed was out the door and I closed the door, I turn and I received a slap in the fact and kick to the stomach before he threatened to kill me. Once again, I stayed after he almost forced himself on me. I felt disgusting, even though nothing happened as he passed out before anything could happy.

He once tied me up and left me on the dining room table when I refused to wear this trashy outfit that he wanted me to wear. Another time, he left my body in cuts and bruises when he thought that I was flirting with a gay man at Target. Another time, Matthew broke my arm when I was running late due to an accident on the freeway. For all the things and pain that he inflicted on me, I couldn't help but say in that horrible situation for some reason. I mean, even my sister tried to get me out of that situation with Matthew, even after he cussed me out to nothing. I still remember that day.

**♀≠♂**

_"Going back to school for your MBA wouldn't help you! You should be taking your ass down to the corner and making me some goddamn money you dumb bitch! Who the fuck does she think she is?!" He angrily states._

_I walk away from him and walk up the stairs._

_"So I guess you think you're cute now, right? You're an ol' uppity bitch! You should've kept your fucking mouth shut!" He says sitting down in front of the TV._

_The door slams._

_"Just because I am more educated than you are, you want to go to school and be smarter than me?! Fuck you, April Kepner!"_

_He probably takes a hit from his cigarette as I am trying not to cry,._

_"April!" He yells, kicking the coffee table effectively breaking the glass. "April! April! Get down here, bitch!"_

_I come out of the room and stand at the very top of the stairs._

_"You brought that fucking bitch up in my house?! You- Why would you bring that bitch up in here?!"_

_"I didn't bring her here, Matthew!" I plead honestly._

_"Well, why the fuck did she ring my buzzer? I can't hear you, April. Since you got so much motherfucking mouth and you gonna bring a bitch up in my house, why did that bitch ring my goddamn buzzer?"_

_"I didn't tell her to come here!"_

_"See, I think right now you think you becoming a conniving, deceitful woman. Because that shit you pulled in the kitchen I should have fucked you up." Matthew tells me, as he points his cigarette at me._

_I'm shaking in fear of this man._

_"But I let you walk away. And I let you get yourself together. But, bitch, I'mma let you know, if you **ever**  pull that shit again, that'll be your last motherfuckin' day staying. I promise you that. You gonna send a stupid bitch to my motherfuckin' buzzer? Talking 'bout some higher education? You're a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Plus nobody wants you, and nobody needs you!_

_"You done fucked around and fucked my motherfucking cousin? And you could have had two motherfuckin' children? And one of them would've been a goddamn animal, running around looking crazy as a motherfucker? Bitch, you know what? See, I think you..." Matthew puts his hand over his heart and takes a deep breath. "I think you're trying me. I think you're really trying to fuck with me. You're fucking with my money, and you gonna stand up there and look at me like you a motherfucking woman? I'm gonna show you what real women do, bitch. See, you don't know what real motherfucking women do. Real motherfucking women sacrifice! Your parents should have aborted your motherfucking ass! Cause you ain't shit! Your parents should have known it when the doctor put you in your parents goddamn hands, that you weren't a goddamn thing! And you're gonna wear that smirk on your face, bitch?!" Matthew grabs a glass bottle. "Get it off your fucking face!" He bellows as he throws the bottle at April, who in turn ducks, causing the bottle to break. "Now smile about that! Smile about that, you fat-"_

_I get so mad that I kick his shoe down at him as it was lying down at the top of the stairs by my right foot._

_"Wha-!" He exclaims angrily as the shoe nearly hits him._

_He starts running up the stairs._

_"I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" He says as he trips going up the stairs as I flee to a room._

_He manages to break the door off it's hinges and spots me._

_"Get off me, bitch!" He yells as he starts to beat me._

**♀≠♂**

_There were days where he forced me to go down on him, just so he would give me money to eat. Days where he said that I was nothing but fat and I would probably be as big as the apartment that we were living in. Would you believe me that he once told me that education is worthless and that I should be barefoot and pregnant? I basically couldn't have my one life away from him because I was trapped in this horrid relationship._

_I couldn't have male friends._

_I had to wear clothes that made me feel unattractive._

_Being alone for more than three minutes when I am in public was a no-no._

_It was very hard to cope with everyday life. I always asked my self the simplest questions one day, which lead to a revelation. I won't get into the questions because they don't matter at this point. The-_

**♀≠♂**

"April, I asked you if you're going to marry me, you dumb bitch!" He says snapping me out of my thoughts.

"No."

"What the fuck did you just tell me, you fat bitch?!" Matthew angrily spat at me.

"I am not going to marry you." I bravely tell him.

"You will marry me and that is final!"

"Says who?" I retort back.

"Me, you fucking bitch!" He says grabbing me roughly.

"Let's go of me!"

"I'm doing this for you since no one else is going to want you. So you better say that you will marry me or else." He warns.

I manage to slap him so hard that he falls in the sand.

 _'Run!'_  My brain tells me.

I start to run.

Run.

RUN.

I run all the way to the car.

Unfortunately, he catches up to me just as I am about to reach the car. He starts pummeling into me as if I were a punching bag. I honestly thought that I was going to die because I literally had no courage to live after he caught me. But then, something amazing happened that I didn't expect. Some guy fought Matthew and defended me. Me! The guy started to fight Matthew once he saw what was happening. They were fighting like mad men as I tried to gain what little composure that I had left in my poor fragile body.

What gave me the courage to finally leave though in that exact same moment was the fact that I had enough energy to do the impossible. I asked the guy if he had a club or something in his car. He gave me a tire iron. You know what I did with that tire iron? I beat the dog shit of Matthew as a parting gift. I beat him so good that I broke one of his knee caps, and knocked out several of his teeth. It felt really good to return the favor after so long. I should have left him after he fractured three of my ribs, broke my jaw and threw me out into the snow that one time we spent the holidays in Colorado.

Through it all though, I realized that my life could've been a lot worse. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that there are fates out there worse than death. I once heard a story where this woman was so broken - you wouldn't understand if you've never been in a toxic relationship. I guess I'll try and tell you this story the best way I can. So I apologize if this sounds bad coming from my point of view.

**♀≠♂**

_"So one day, Bridget, my best friend and had sex with my husband Carl on our wedding day. Let's back up for a moment to see how I found out that they were sleeping together. You know what got me mad? Me and my son decided to go to her house, and I knocked. No answer. So I decided to use the key and enter the house after my son wanted to kick down the door. When we managed to get inside the house, there they were, husband and best friend fucking the living daylights out of each other. When Carl saw us standing there, he got off of Bridget, choked me and then proceeded to tell me that I must wait next door until he 'finish up inside of her' because he needed to be relieved._

_"When he finished fucking Bridget, he decided to take his anger out of me by beating me, in front of our own flesh and blood, and that is something that I will **never**  forget. He beat me, beat me, beat, beat me until I was nearly unconscious. My son, Dave, tried to saved me from death by shouting "Daddy, leave mommy alone" when I was bleeding for my life. But that didn't work as he started to beat me again which cause our boy to turn against him. My son he- he- my son managed to find Carl's revolver and threatened to kill himself so that Carl could stop beating me. You know what Carl said? He simply turned around, looked at Dave and said "Go on. Kill yourself."_

_"Without any warning, Dave put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Just like that. Dave was gone. My son is dead, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I was able to leave Carl, but the remnants of that relationship still weigh heavily on me as I no longer have a child to call my own anymore. As much as I would love for Bridget and her people to pay, I would rather let The Good Lord deal with them since Carl ended up committing suicide, without knowing that he had two children with my best friend! What a snake._

_"It's hard for me to tell this story, but I would rather tell people my story rather than hearing about another case where a woman is in a similar predicament. What's hard about talking about my situation is the fact that Carl had never once done anything strange or deceitful at all, but that one day…I don't know. The only great thing about talking about my own troubled experience is the fact that I am always able to help at least one person, which is a great win for me. It just takes one person to get through to another in order to spare them from fates worse than death. Maybe he had a little too much, but I just don't know what happened at all. What is it that they say? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Well I can tell you this, and listen to me and listen to me well. I will always remember what happened to me, but I will never forget as I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive any of them."_

**♀≠♂**

"Every single time I think of that story, I think about how I was one of the lucky ones to get out of a bad relationship. I wish that I had the courage to leave a lot sooner than before instead of having a complete stranger save my ass. At the end of the day, I am just happy to get out of that relationship, and I can also advise people on bad relationships. I can now live my life in piece, all because of my Prince Charming's actions. If it weren't for Jackson Avery, I'd probably be dead as a door nail. And to think, I used to dream about a man like him actually exists? Eternally grateful and overwhelmed with gratitude are the words that come to mind when I think of Prince Charming.

My final goodbye to Matthew you may ask? That's pretty simple to answer. It's not long, but I think it'll have to do. My heart is pounding at the words I have to tell Matthew, but you know what? It's time. Time to stop letting my whispering heart control me, telling my screaming mind what to do and just let it all out, even if it's been said many times or many ways.

 _What about the times you hit my face?_  
_What about the times you kept on when I said "no more please"_  
_What about those things?_  
_What about that, what about that?_  
_What about the times you shamed me?_  
_What about the times you said you didn't fuck her?_  
_She only "gave you head" huh?_  
_What about that, what about that?_  

Goodbye, Matthew. I don't wish you a good life, yet.


	16. Every Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love?

**Philophobia** \- the fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.

Yup. Who knew that falling in love or being attached to someone could be a phobia? I never knew that at all. I guess that just goes to show that you learn something new everyday. God, I can't believe that I have a fear of being in a committed relationship after the last one. It hurts. It really hurts.

Now, ever since my failed relationship with Matthew, I always wonder why did it fail so quickly and why did I stay? Well, I can answer that very easily. Love made me vulnerable in every sense of the word. Sure, I've dated here and there, but I really thought that Matthew was the one for me, however, I was dead wrong. I hope to never make that mistake ever again as long as I live, particularly when I'm in a bad situation like that.

So, I can now tell you some of the things that I've learned when it comes to me and my fears on being in love or committed to another person.

I learned that my vulnerability stems from the unknown territories that'll come along in a new relationship. Placing my trust in someone after the last person.....I think it's safe to say that it terrifies me. Everything that I have give and vice versa? I'll have to fight tooth and nail which will make me a challenge and a bitch. Isn't that just great? It really sucks to think that those who have been burned in a situation always screw up the other person in another the next relationship. What a never ending cycle. 

Another thing that I can tell you about my fears about love would be the fact that I have to challenge my old identity. I say that because my relationship with Matthew was so toxic that I ended up judging and being harsh on myself to the point where I feel like I will always go back to that headspace. My old identity will always be a part of me and I think that it’s a daily struggle because will almost always assume that I am unlovable. The experiences with pretty girls, the other men I’ve dated and the people in my family? While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, I have learned that they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.  

Sacrifices are another key thing that challenges me.  Or would it be yin and yang? How would one call it? I mean, love has two things that will always be upfront without us truly ever thinking about it. Joy and pain are the things that we never think about, and it’s common. Doesn’t that suck? Joy and pain seems like that saying _‘The Price of Free and Fair Election’_ and it’s fucking annoying.

Equality and love……What have I heard about that? Oh! I have heard that sometimes when a person is in love with another one, they often worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn’t evolve. That would definitely mean that the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected, which is everyone’s fear when they are looking for love. Some people have also said many different things, but from my understanding, this is what I got from those conversations. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It’s better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy. I guess that one expression about one person in a relationship is usually more in love than the other, right?

I am most afraid of losing myself to a man because my family…they are my safe haven. Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. My parents told my sisters and I that our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals, are usually based on our faith, morals and reflections of themselves. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn’t physical. 

Overall, my fear on finding love or being in love is quite simple. The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn’t be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what’s really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.

Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren’t working out—but we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when we get close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.

Now, with all of that being said, I can now confess something to you. Even though I have my reservations on being in love and being with someone, I have gotten to know Jackson Avery. Yes, I have gotten to meet the person that saved me from death. I will admit that at first, I was scared, and that was because I only met up with him to thank him for saving my life. We met up at a coffee shop, and I was just nervous to talk to this man. There I was at The Coffee Bean, simply going to thank him for saving me, which probably would’ve taken a few minutes. What I didn’t expect was the outcome of that day.

When he got there, we formally greeted each other, and bought coffee. We talked, drank coffee and just befriended each other. He asked me how I was doing after my stint at the hospital, how he would see me (though he never went to my room), how am doing and readjusting to life, so on and so forth. While he was asking me those questions, I felt…..whole. It’s just strange what I felt whole since I never felt that way with anyone before. I never expected that I would ever feel that way because I wasn’t used to it at all. I was just happy to meet the guy who helped me from death, and I was just happy to have a friend. It felt great to have a friend that I met outside of work, and I didn’t care that he was a guy at all.

Jackson and I just talked about any and everything for almost the whole entire day at the coffee shop. I felt like I mattered to someone, and he was a complete stranger. Well now that I think about it, he wasn’t really a stranger since we’ve been talking to one another for quite sometime, but whatever. I will say that talking to Jackson was just very cool. I found out a few things about him that were quite interesting. He has a love for waffles. He always manages to lose his composure and get extremely nervous when he’s on camera. Eating leftovers? That is not his thing at all because he thinks it's depressing to eat food out of Tupperware containers. Poor food! Um…..the two things that I can say that he truly hates are gambling and throw pillows. He’s a slow reader, Norbert is the name of his favorite uncle and he played football in high school. He’s always wanted two kids – a boy and girl to be specific- and his fetish you might ask? Nikes!

A simple thank you meeting turned into a…..date? I wasn’t expecting that at all. I just expected a _“thank you”_ and a _“I hope you stay safe”_ or something, but I got something more. The whole day was just….fun. I haven’t had that with Matthew at all. In fact, I haven’t had that with any guy at all, and it’s refreshing. I just went to go do one thing, and it turned into something more. What’s even more interesting is the fact that he asked me to hang out with him again. I didn’t expect that at all and I accepted. I didn’t hesitate or anything, but I definitely accepted his invitation to hang out again.

Ever since our meeting at the coffee shop, we started to hang out here and there. I learned more and more about him, and I feel great. I didn’t expect that I would have so much fun with the guy that saved me. About two years later after formally meeting, our friendship evolved in ways I never expected. We’ve traveled to San Francisco, took a road trip to Lake Tahoe, did a safari tour in Africa….we just had so much fun after that. We became friends. I still have my reservations on this, but I think I’m falling in love again. I want to say something to him, but I’m terrified. I keep hearing the same nagging voice in my head that tells me that this is a bad move, but my heart is telling me something completely different. 

_I'm scared to fall in love_   
_Afraid to love so fast_   
_Cause every time I fall in love_   
_It seems to never last_

I’m thinking about this very seriously. It’s hard but I feel like this time, it’s the right one. Let me just break down what I am thinking. I had spent so much time before not even sure if I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't really believe that true love was real, and I definitely didn't think I'd ever feel so strongly about someone that I wanted to be with forever. In prior relationships, I would purposely not express how I was feeling most of the time, for fear of being judged or ridiculed. It could be the biggest thing, like disappointment over a friend moving, to the smallest thing. I just share everything with him, and he doesn’t judge me. Ok, he judges my religion once in a while, but that can be dealt with.

In my prior relationships, I knew what it was like to feel momentarily excited (or even happy) for a little bit. Despite that, I still didn't know what it meant to have a joyful, happy feeling all the time, almost at every single second. The type of happy I feel isn't based on the ups and downs of the rest of the world, but instead, is based on knowing I've found Jackson. I feel complete freedom, and I love the woman that I’ve became based on the things that I have been through and what I have learned from it. I would like to believe that I'm patient, present, and I love to talk to him. It's like I've found a newfound sense of maturity that I really didn't have before. I feel capable of developing myself as a sensible grown-up.

Although sometimes I may call him out for his adorable cheesiness or something that pisses me the fuck off, not a day goes by that Jackson doesn't remind me that he values me more than he can say. Whether it's actually telling me in words, or whether it's by him doing nice things for Jackson takes every opportunity he can to express how much he cherishes me. It’s an amazing feeling in the world.

I don't feel constrained - in fact, I feel freer than I've ever felt before. Since knowing Jackson, he is by my side no matter what, I feel free to explore the world in whatever ways I want. It's nice to know I'll always have a person to call home, regardless of what I want to do, see, or be.

In this relationship, the love will feel like it lifts me up, helping you to experience more out of life, and I love doing the same for him. It’s equal. Before I met Jackson Avery, as soon as I got into a relationship, I'd start counting down the days to when I thought it would end, especially with Matthew. It was fatalistic, but was more that I hated relationships and wanted to escape the second I was in a relationship, especially that one. Now, I look forward to the future in Jackson, no matter what it may bring.

Now, the questions that I have, are the ones that are remain to be…..open-ended. Could he be the one to restore my faith? Could he be the one to completely put me back together, piece by piece? Is he going to be the one to show me that a man could be kind? The one to show me that I can find a man, who’ll be a great father to the kids that I want to have one day? Should I give love a try, one more time? These are some complicated questions with little to no answers.


	17. Tonight's The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virginity Stories and Renewals on Love.

There’s a song by Mariah Carey that goes:

 _See I'm going through a situation  
That I can't help  
Want to get a little closer  
But I promised myself  
That I would never give my heart  
Away again  
Oo oo babe, I know it's hard  
Butcha gotta understand it  
The truth is all the hurt and the pain  
And the shit that you get  
When you have it  
Ain't worth it  
I've been there so many times  
I should know better but I  
Can't stop what I feel  
When you're next to me  
I really think I_

_Finally found somebody_  
_That could be the one_  
_But I promised myself_  
_That I wouldn't give in to love_  
_And I'm scared_  
_And I'm nervous_  
_Don't want to be hurt anymore_  
_This is bad_  
_Cause I know that you're the one_

Damn. _The One_. This is a good chunk of a song that describes my situation. Thank you, Mariah Carey.

Question: Do you remember your first time? I sure do. Do you remember how you felt when you lost your virginity? I know how I felt when I lost mine. Were you excited? Nervous? Scared that you're bad in bed? Did you have sex consistently or did it take a long time until you hit the sheets? Is it fun for you?

Were those questions too....personal?

If they were, I apologize for that.

The only reason I ask you these questions is because I even though I've had sex, I still consider myself a virgin. I don't know why I feel like that, but I don't really think that it's a bad thing at all. After all, people say that losing your virginity is completely up to you, and I'm sticking with that. Everything about all those bed time escapades, I found them boring. I probably shouldn't have said that but who the fuck cares at this point. It's my sexual experience, not yours, ¿comprende?

The more I think about my sexual experiences, I think on one positive thing. What is it you may ask? Well, if anyone wanted to write about my sex life, all you would get would be a pamphlet. I dare you to make fun of me for that. I dare you.

Now, as I understand, sex is….It’s not just a physical act, it’s the intimacy between two people sharing their souls. Sex without love is empty and hollow. Another thing that I can say about sex is that it is a privilege to have. Yes, sex is a privilege in my opinion, so deal with it. If you don’t like my opinion on is, then too bad, bitches! I think sex is a part of a special kind of love that you feel for a very special person.

Some of the articles that I read were….interesting to say the least. I always thought that it was only us women that were nervous about losing our virginity. Turns out that men are just as nervous as us women. Isn’t that something? I never expected that at all, but it’s nice to know that everyone is nervous when it comes to their first time. Here are some of my favorite tales from the guys in some of the articles that I have read.

 _"I was a traditional guy and planned to save myself for marriage—this cost me several relationships in college. I was 22 when my girlfriend at the time and I finally had sex. One summer night, she invited me to dinner she cooked in the apartment she shared. She said she wanted to help me apply for a job in_ _London_ _, where she was from. She had made spaghetti—it was off the charts and we ate it. Then we went to her room to work on the application. We worked and then started to fool around....you know, a man and a woman sitting on a bed—things are bounded to happen. To be honest, I wish I had started sooner."_

_"For me, losing my virginity was honestly nothing special. Like, it was amazing, don't get me wrong. But it just wasn't that important to me. Just a blip on the emotional radar. I got a tattoo today, and that seems like an infinitely bigger deal to me than losing my virginity ever was!"_

Reading about guys losing their “V-Cards” made me think about what us gals think about our virginities. Some people have told me some stories that were just…..nuts.

_“I was 21 and met a guy at a frat party. We made out and exchanged numbers at the party and then arranged to go on a double date with him and his friend and me and my friend the next Friday night. It was then that my friend and I realized that this guy wasn't in the frat anymore—he was 26 and had graduated four years prior but clearly missed college so much. He had a vanity plate with his college football number, and when we ended up back at his apartment after the movie, we found out he lived with his parents—and his bedroom was covered in beer posters and huge inflatable beer bottles. I was desperate to lose my virginity, so he and I ended up doing it in his parents’ bedroom while my friend banged on the door because she was ready to leave and her date was giving us both a ride home. Overall, it was a ridiculous story that still makes me laugh.”_

_"It was junior year of college and it was the last weekend before Christmas break. I went to a fraternity’s tacky Christmas sweater party. I remember I was sitting on the kitchen counter talking to some of the guys when I saw a really hot guy—who looked like Jude Law—that I did not recognize (which was weird because I knew everyone there). I had done everything but sex a few times—I liked having control and just never got around to it. I wasn’t saving myself or anything like that. I don’t know why, but this time I thought, ‘what the hell,’ and just went with it! It was awesome. He knew exactly what he was doing and put me in all these different positions—we had sex four times that night. It hurt a little at first and there was a tiny bit of blood, but I loved it. He ended up being my hookup buddy for the rest of the year."_

For me, losing my virginity…..It was just a step in my path to becoming comfortable with my body the first time, but now that I am with Jackson? Rediscovering myself was/is a challenge, however I think that it’s okay as I am evolving. With Jackson, I am evolving and it’s great because he’s helping me heal in ways that I never thought was possible.

♥

** Movies **

 

"What's your favorite Disney movie, Apes?"

"I love _Cinderella_." I tell him. "I love how she was able to escape that wretched family of hers. And that dress! Oh! It was to die for!"

Jackson laughs.

"What about you?" I ask him

"I'd have to say that my favorite Disney movie is _Aladdin_."

"Really? I would’ve thought that you would’ve loved _Robin Hood_ or something."

"Yeah. I've always compared Jasmine's life to mine. Her father was a sultan; my father is the CEO of his own company. Jasmine is stuck in a life of royalty, and I'm stick trying to figure out how to navigate my life because of my last name. Last but not least, Aladdin is a humble _'street rat'_ , trying to succeed in life; while you are always comparing your life to everyone else you’ve dated while remaining humble."

I kiss Jackson like crazy.

♥

**Random Weekday** **Midnight** **Dinners**

"Hey, Apes." Jackson says as he walks into the room after an extremely long day at work.

At least he doesn't have to go in for a couple days.

"Hey, babe." I say as he lies down next to me on the bed.

"You wanna get some Taco Bell?" He says.

"It's Thursday and it's past midnight." I laugh.

"So what's your point? Besides, I have a hunch that you're hungry."

"Well, you're not wrong about that." I concede before my stomach growls again.

"Let's go! I'm in the mood for a ton of tacos and a quesadilla!" Jackson exclaims excitedly.

I end up laughing as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and puts on my shoes on my feet.

"Boy do I love you." I admit.

Jackson kisses my cheek as he simply holds me.

My heart flutters. I’m extremely happy that I am the one that gets to do that to my Jackson.

♥ 

I could go on about how he treats me with respect, but I’ll hold off on that for now. The point that I am trying to convey is that it took a long time to be….better. He has proven himself in ways that I never possible. It just makes me think that with all this talk of sex and being a virgin makes me think of my first time. My first time…..I’ll just say this. I was kinda bored. I wasn’t expecting the moon and the stars, but I was just bored. I was with my first boyfriend Rick at his apartment one summer day. We were just talking about any and everything that we could think of which included traveling to New York, poetry, drawing, and cars. We had ice cream and watched a movie on his Netflix account when he asked me if I knew of any good porn videos that we can watch. I said no, but I suggested that we find one together.

So less than five minutes later, we’re searching for a video to watch until he randomly picks one. A few minutes into the video, he suddenly kisses me passionately, but the kiss was…different. I just remember kissing him back and he lifted me and put me up against the wall before he went down on me. One thing lead to another, but I just remember being in his bed while we had sex. I just kept on yawning and yawning, bored out of my mind which was sad. I was expecting….well, I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was just bored out of mind.

On one hand, I am happy that I lost my virginity to him because I was able to work on myself and my skills in bed with him. On the same token, I wish I would have waited for that special someone because it took a lot of work on my end and he was like a pro. That coupled with the fact that he just kept talking about how he loves watching football while having sex was just a snooze fest. Oh well. At least that it’s done. I can’t take it back, but since I don’t consider that as truly losing my virginity, I don’t regret losing my own _“V-Card”_ to him at all.

With all of that being said, I have to admit that when I had sex with Jackson though for the first time, Rod Stewart's  _Tonight’s the Night_ was playing in my mind. You’re probably asking yourself “What the fuck is she talking about?” But I am serious about that because the first time we had sex, it felt right. I just remember thinking that he and I came a long ways since the coffee shop, but I didn’t expect that we would date at all. Who knew that a year later, we would be dating one another? I didn’t but I am happy that we are. He treats me so kind, as if it were my own sweet destiny, so I am eternally grateful for that.

I could tell you about the first time that we had sex, but I won’t. All I am going to say is that I was nervous, it felt pretty good and that I can’t wait to have sex with him at all. It also felt great that he sang a bit of _Tonight’s the Night_ which made me feel special. Who knew that he has a great singing voice? I don’t feel like a virgin with him and you know what? It feels fucking great!

 _Stay away from my window  
Stay away from my back door too  
Disconnect the telephone line  
_ _Relax baby and draw that blind_

_Kick off your shoes and sit right down_  
_Loosen off that pretty French gown_  
_Let me pour you a good long drink_  
_Ooh baby don't you hesitate cause_

 _Tonight's the night_  
_It's gonna be alright_  
_'Cause I love you girl_  
_Ain't nobody gonna stop us now_

Shit. That song….It takes me the fuck out, and for good reasons, especially when Jackson sang it to me when we had sex together for the first time.

I love that man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: Mariah Carey - The One


	18. I Get Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Loneliness of Love

L-O-N-E-L-Y. 

That is how I feel without Jackson.

 _I get so lonely_   
_Can’t let just anybody hold me_  
_You are the one that lives in me, my dear_  
_Want no one but you_

_Sittin’ here with my tears_   
_All alone with my fears_  
_I'm wonderin’ if I have to do_  
_Withoutcha_  
_But there's no reason why_

_I feel asleep late last night_   
_Cryin’ like a newborn child_  
_Holdin’ myself close_  
_Pretendin’ my arms are yours_  
_I want no one but you_

Lonely.

The problem with that word, or feeling, if you will?

I felt that way with Matthew as well.

I have all the people I need in my life, I now have Jackson, but I feel so lonely without him. No, I am not clingy or anything, but I am just lonely without him when he isn’t around for days on end. I don’t know why that is, but I am just one lonely bitch without him.

I, April Kepner, can be very introverted and may seem like a bit of a loner without Jackson by my side. With Jackson, I tend to be a rational and logical thinker. I sometimes have the ability to make decisions without letting any of emotions get in the way when it comes to him, and that has never happened before. When it’s the two of us together, the both of us enjoy pondering about anything and will analyze everything, even when are just watching TV or lying down on the grass, under the moonlight and the many, many stars. It’s great to think that he will always, most likely, hold unconventional views about people and life because we’re so detached from everyone else.

Even though I am still shy on the outside around him at times, I am able to be free with him. As soon as people mess with me, I tend to stay away because Jackson Avery’s claws will come out. He simply refuses to let people take advantage of me. It’s so wonderful because he just lets me be plain old me. Any- Shit, did I just describe my life with Jackson by analyzing the traits of an Aquarian? I must be losing my damn mind.  

Oh well.

The more time I spend with Jackson, I feel…complete. Would you call that love? Could you say that I am complete? Wholesome? I don’t know myself, but I do find life a lot better with him in my life. I am thankful that he was able to fill the holes that Matthew burned in me, and to tell you the truth, life is amazing. You want to know how Matthew burned holes within me by being lonely? Let’s starts.

Feeling so alone and deserted was how I felt whenever he neglected me. With people standing all around me and not knowing how truly toxic my relationship was with Matthew was, really did hurt me in ways I never anticipated. All that time that I was with him, I always asked myself: Should I trust someone? Should I stay off to myself? Alone with no one to talk to….It's such a helpless feeling.

Resentment (at least on my part) occurred when he would approach me with the preconception of how I was supposed to be, or turn out. When I didn’t meet his expectations, he became disappointed and disillusioned. Since I was never allowed to tell him how I wanted to turn out for the sake of our relationship, it felt difficult to breath in that relationship. He'd expect me to be more responsible than he is, which left me... emotionally wounded.

Lack of communication always hurt too. I was only allowed to follow orders like a mangy mutt while he had the time of his life ordering me around. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about something important, I was told that I had no privileges to speak. Can you believe that? I always felt like a child, and that was the worst feeling in the world. I hope his prostate falls out one day.

It sucked that I was only allowed to be empathetic and compassionate with him and only him. I couldn't even be alone by myself when I needed alone time. I had to be co-dependent on Matthew, which was really uncomfortable. Basically, I had to fall out of love with myself, and looking back at it, that hurt.

What's strange about all of this, is the fact that I let myself go, and the Taurus people (like myself) would've been pissed for allowing that to happen. I wasn't practical, I compromised a lot, and I was always insecure. I was too patient with life, just waiting for something to happen. I was irresponsible and lived for the complications. Gee, it sucked to be me in....that ordeal. Who was that person and what the fucked to the April Kepner that Jackson helped me rediscover? So many questions are flowing through my head, and I don't have a lot of answers at all.

Shit, that really sucks.

Then again, life does suck at times.

Even Professor Severus Snape knew that.

It’s strange talking about Matthew in any capacity because it seems like I am desperate for his companionship, however I am not. It’s crazy because thinking about my situation with Matthew takes me to a place of loss. That loss could be something along the lines of having lost a lover, wanting him back, and dreaming of the time when the dream is fulfilled. It’s just too much.

For all the bad things that happened with Matthew, at least Jackson helped me come back to the light that was dimmed for quite sometime. With Jackson…..I never looked deeply at the pain from my past, never tried to understand that pain and work it through. It was a journey I had avoided. But one I now had to face, and I am happy that he is there to guide me through it all. So what if we have a few fights along the way? At least he never calls me out my name on purpose. Actually, he's never called me out of my name before, so that....that's definitely a plus. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, loves Jackson, and it got to the point where even I got jealous.

Yes, I was jealous.

That is not a good look on me at all. It’s not his fault that he’s handsome, but dammit, it’s so hard knowing that I can be dropped or easily replaced by some no good, snot nosed little bitch. See, we went out to dinner just he and I, and this waiter was just drooling over him like he was a piece of meat. She gave me my drink without acknowledging me the way she should have (plus she gave me the wrong drink), then she proceeded to give Jackson her number, after he paid for the bill. What the fuck? I wanted to beat the bitch’s ass, but luckily, Jackson reminded me that he will  always come home to me.

One of my favorite past-times with Jackson you may ask? That is stupid simple, and it means everything to me.

♥

 ** Food **

 

 _"Babe?"_

_"Yeah?" April says as she walks up behind_ _Jackson, wrapping her arms around his waist._

_"Let's cook."_ _Jackson_ _says leaning back into April._

_"What do you want to cook?"_

_"How about Shrimp Scampi with Cherry Tomatoes?"_ _Jackson_ _asks._

_"Sounds delicious." April responds as_ _Jackson_ _turns around in April's arms._

_"Ok, what do we need for this meal?" April asks as she fills a pot with water._

_"The recipe calls for: 3 1/2 tablespoons salt, 1 pound bucatini, spaghetti or fettuccine, 3 tablespoons olive oil, 2 cloves garlic, minced, 2 shallots, minced, 1 pound cherry tomatoes, sliced, 1 tablespoon paprika, 1 teaspoon chili flakes, 1 cup white wine, 1 cup heavy cream, 1 pound large shrimp, peeled and de-veined, 1/4 cup chopped fresh chives, and 3 tablespoons of fresh parsley leaves, chopped."_ _Jackson_ _says._

_"Whew, we have our work cut out for us." April says._

_"Mm-hmm."_ _Jackson_ _hums in agreement. "Mm-hmm. Now, let's get to work."_

**♂** **+** **♀** **=** **♥**  

After the couple gathered the necessary ingredients,Jacksongrabs an apron and tossed it at April.

"What do we do first?" April asks as she puts on the apron.

"Well,"Jacksonstarts as he puts on his own apron. "The first thing that we should is to fill a high-sided skillet set over high heat with water. Add 3 tablespoons of the salt and bring to a boil. Add the pasta, and gently stir using tongs to make sure the pasta doesn't stick to itself. Cook the pasta for 12 to 14 minutes, and then drain."

"Ok." April says as she turns the stove on for the pot-filled water. She then adds some salt to the pot, grabs the uncooked pasta from the pantry and places it on the counter.

"Here's a timer, babe."Jacksonsays as he hands April the timer.

"Thanks." April says as she sets the timer. After she set the timer, she puts the cover on the pot.

"Good idea."Jacksonsays. "That way the water can boil faster."

"Yes, sir." April says. "Now, let's get to work on the veggies.

 **♂** **+** **♀** **=** **♥**  

Jacksonis currently standing directly behind April, holding her hand as they are slicing the tomatoes together.

April has goose bumps.

Good goose bumps.

'He really is different.' April thinks to herself as they are prepping almost finished prepping the veggies.

"This is amazing."Jacksonsays as he presses a kiss to April's cheek.

 **♂** **+** **♀** **=** **♥**  

"Jackson, what's next?" April asks as she puts the pasta in the boiling water.

"In a large skillet set over medium heat, add the oil."Jacksonread from the recipe. "I need a skillet."

April grabs one and places it on the stove.

"Thanks babe."Jacksonsays, rewarding April with a kiss.

"No prob."

Jacksonadds some oil to the skillet, and turns on the burner.

"Ok. When hot, add the garlic, shallots, tomatoes and the remaining 1/2 tablespoon salt. Sauté until the onions are translucent, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the paprika and chili flakes, and sauté for 1 to 2 minutes. Pour in the wine, scraping up any bits on the bottom of the pan. Bring to a simmer. Add the cream and return to a simmer for 1 minute. Add the shrimp and cover with the sauce. Cook, stirring to make sure the shrimp cooks through, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the chives and parsley, and toss to mix. Serve the shrimp and sauce over the pasta."

"We've got this." April says.

 **♂** **+** **♀** **=** **♥**  

"This looks very delicious, babe!" April says. "We did a good job!"

"We sure did."Jacksonsays. "Thank goodness for cooking shows."

"Cooking shows?"

"You didn't think that I could make scampi without a recipe from TV, did you?"Jacksonasks.

"Shutting up." April says.

"Thank you Tia Mowry.”Jacksonsays. "I’m going to grab two plates. I am hungry as fuck."

 **♂** **+** **♀** **=** **♥**  

After both people feed each other from their forks, April andJacksonare cuddling on the couch.

"Babe, that was good."

"It sure was. That was a good idea, Jackman."

"I'm full of them."

"We should do it again sometime, even if we almost neglected to drain the pasta, due to that fabulous slow dance, Apes."

April shutsJacksonup with a kiss.

 **♥**

** Life **

 

"What do you think about life?"Jacksonasks.

"It's chaotic." April supplies.

"Proudest accomplishment?

"Earning my bachelors degree in visual communications."

"A future goal."

"Be married, and have a boring life, with kids."

"Peanut Butter or Peanut Brittle."

"Both. Why?"

"Because I need to know how you like it in bed."Jacksonsays, wagging his brows. "Life long wish?"

"To have immense health and strength."

"Song to sing in the shower."

"Hopelessly Devoted to You."

"Quote."

"It's Time To Duel!"

Jacksonstarts laughing at April's favorite quote.

"You actually said it like Yugi Moto? I didn't know that you were that nerdy!"

"Hey!"

"Don't worry. I love it!"

"Your turn." April says.

"Lay it on me sexy."

"Color scheme."

"Red for power, Blue for all my loneliness, Black, and White for a balance of power."Jacksonsays earnestly.

"Food."

"Pepperoni pizza."

"Drink."

"Beer."

"Cartoon character."

"Bugs Bunny."

"Shoe."

"Nikes."

"Quote."

"Live for today because tomorrow isn't promised."

"First kiss."

"I had two kisses in the same day in the sixth grade, back in Drama class. I don't remember who was first."

"Pajamas?"

"I sleep in as little clothes as possible."

"Really, Avery?"

"Yup. You know this."Jacksonteases.

"Life long wish?"

"My dream is to keep doing what I do best, have health and strength, and to do the best that I can until I pass away."

"DON'T SAY THAT!" April panics.

"Why not?"

"Because you saved me! I cannot imagine my life without you."

Jacksonkisses April.

 **♥**

** Late Night Phone Calls **

 

"I’ve been waiting to hear your ring tone.” April says as she picks up the phone.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I just missed you today.” April says.

“I missed you more.”

“Tell me about your day.”

“It’s not that interesting.”Jacksonsupplies.

“Come on.” April whines.

“I’ll just give you a quick rundown. I overslept, got a cup of coffee at Starbucks, had two boring meetings, sat through a shit ton of paperwork, got home at around 11:45, hoped in the shower, and now I’m in bed at 12:15 in the morning, eating pizza with a towel wrapped around my waist, talking to a hot girl who is a diamond in the rough..”

“And this hot girl….?” April teases.

“You might not know her at all, but I’ll tell you about her. This hot girl’s name is April. You know, I met her this morning when I was at Starbucks.”

“Was she the one that you got coffee for?” April smiles. “The one with the velvet red hair, brown doe-like eyes, who is small, cute and nerdy?”

“That’s the one.”Jacksonconfirms. “She seems nice. I also heard that she has a boyfriend?”

“She does?”

“Yup. His name is Jackson Avery.”

April starts laughing.

“You’re crazy!”

“I love you.”Jacksonsays in a sing-song type of voice.

“I love you more.”

♥

At least I am honest with him when I tell him that I am lonely without him. Sure, he is confused when I say that to him, but when I explain it to him, he understands which is so great. For example, one time I hadn’t seen him for three weeks because of his new at _Sony Music_. It was strenuous because he works early in the morning and comes home late, and with my job as an advising director at a graphic design place _called Studio Number One_ , spending time together is hard because most times when we are just sitting and talking to one another in bed, one of us always passes out.

It’s one of the things that I like about Jackson. I don’t have to try so hard to impress him because he allows me to talk to him about any an everything that I feel. I have my own opinions, which makes me happy. When I look at Jackson, I see a future that I am proud of and I can’t wait to live that future with him. He encourages me, supports me, but most of all, he is there for me, even when he doesn’t have to be there. The advice that he gives me, even when I don’t know that I need it, but use it, is pretty damn good too. It’s a long the lines of  "Don't let anybody tell you what you can or can't do. If they try to do so, shut that down automatically. I guarantee they'll all fall in line and back off."

With that being said, here is my final and permanent goodbye to Matthew Taylor. When you look back on love do you think of us? I hope you don’t at all. When it's all said and done is it all enough? Obviously, you are going to figure that out on your own. When you weigh the loss to all you've gained, tell me does it all add up? It added up to you and all your favors, but you’ve gained something in return, a loss of a good woman. When you look back on us, would you call that love? I hope you don’t because you are toxic as fuck.

Fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your stupid scarves, fuck your hairstyle, fuck your face, fuck your suit, fuck your shoes, fuck your car, fuck your parents, fuck your grandparents, fuck your sister, fuck your brother, fuck your dog and fuck your family business! I found someone better who treats me like I am the damn world, and I am able to give him that too. I hope you shape up and treat the next woman with respect. Thank you for showing me that I can do a lot better than you. I am forever grateful for that.

I am in a very respectful and loving relationship, so being with you….I just enjoy my sense of freedom. I hope you find a place to say that you actually find and love someone with all of your heart. We can't go back to who and where we were, and I am over the moon because of that. We can't undo what's done, and frankly I couldn’t live life like that again. A place to rest your head, I hope you find one because no one wants to be alone or lonely. I forgive as you forget too much, but seriously, would you call our past love? I think not.

Things have been going so well with Jackson that I don't want to deal with you. Honestly, I never want to deal with you ever again. But, as Freud said, “Our beds are crowded.”  When I am with Jackson, I-I'm not alone. Granted I feel alone when he’s gone for days on end, but I’m his compass, and vice-versa. There's this phantom of you there, and that phantom has the haunts of this prior relationship, and, well, I-I can't pretend you're not a part of me. Like Mariah Carey said in her song  _Always Be My Baby_ , you'll always be a part of me. So, goodbye Matthew Taylor. I don't wish you well at all.  Jackson Avery is twice the man you are and more, which makes me happy to wake up in the morning knowing that he is a good man with morals.

PS: Jackson proposed to me a few days ago after dating for the better part of 2.5 years. Would you call that love?

I do.

I can't wait to say those words to Jackson!


	19. Rope Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fulfilling Desires, Needs and Wants.

Married life is fucking AMAZING! One of my favorite things about marriage? Everything is elevated in a good way, and it’s fucking amazing!!!! One of my favorite things about marriage? The sex! It can be mad hot, playful, careful, rough, mind-blowing, slow, fast, you name it. Sex can be extremely fun when we get into the sexy, role-play, story time sessions. 

I won’t get into our sex life, but I can tell you some of my favorite things to do when we have our…story time sessions. One time, we reenacted a scene from _American Beauty_ , where the blonde chick was in the bathtub and her father’s friend was just putting his hand in the tub. That was fun because I have never been in a bathtub filled with water and rose petals in my life! I just loved how Jackson stared at me as if I were the earth, while I stared at him as if he were the moon.

Another time, he played a plumber when our plumbing needed to be _“fixed.”_ Man, he sure does know his way around a snake. I can literally go on and on about our story time sessions, but I won’t. I would rather tell you about my favorite session, and how I felt about it. Let me tell you a bit about it.

**♂+♀=♥**

I began talking to a local man I had met at the beach and officially met at a coffee shop..... this man was so different from any of the other men I had met or talked in my life.

Before this I was always a very shy devoted girlfriend and had that nagging constant feeling that I was missing something.

I was starting to feel this new man was the very something I was missing. He intrigued me, he excited me.... and honestly he scared the living shit out of me for a while

He is dominant and very smart caring kind but firm qualities that I  had always looked for and admired in a man but felt I was unworthy of and would never find.

Jackson. The one who scared me at times, but pulls me in the one who seems to know me better than I know myself.

I was so afraid of his rejection. Shit, he was probably scared of my rejection as well since he was actually the one to ask me out.  Hell, I was so afraid of him that I couldn't bring myself to meet him for more than 5 minutes......... I was amazed at how well this guy could control me from the phone, internet and in person. I wanted to be controlled. I wanted to be needed, desired, I wanted to be a owned and vice-versa. Not many people get that... they feel a woman should be independent of a man not rely on anyone and definitely not have someone telling them what to do. I get that. But it's not me, I want to serve I want to please I want to be told what to do knowing it brings pleasure to someone that I care about.

I want and need a strong man who can bend me over and spank my ass when i need it and put me in my place when I act up. I need someone who is concerned with where I am and who I am with and craves me and desires me and wants me to be the one who fulfills his sexual and other needs. That makes me happy....... But how do I know it makes me happy when I reality I have never had it ...UNTIL THIS MAN, and now I LOVE IT!!!

The very first time I met him, I was so fucking nervous! I really could talk very much, but that didn't matter at all. We were up for talking. I knew what he wanted and I wanted it to. We kissed  and he reached down my pants. I ended up at his....

**♂+♀=♥**

Pause.

Let’s evaluate this.

Why does this feel like I am telling you about my life story?

You know the fuck what?

Fill in the blanks yourself, if you want to.

I’ll let your imagination run a muck.

All I have to tell you is that I love the feeling of hot candle wax dripping down the small of my back. I truly do.

Chains and whips excite me.

What I love most about our relationship?

Hmmm…..The fantasies that we have.

For example, Jackson’s fantasy consists of….roughly nine or ten things.

 

  * Fantasy Without Judgment
  * Non-Threatening Sex Toys
  * Sex That's Not Tied to Orgasm
  * Backdoor Fun
  * Voyeurism
  * Getting Turned On By Me
  * Watching Porn Together
  * Chatting After Sex
  * Third-Party Advice
  * Sex in an Unusual Place



 

Let’s break these down a bit.            

 **Fantasy Without Judgment** _–_ Jackson once told me that he wants to engage in a cheerleader/coach fantasy. He didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought that I would be weird about it and judge him. To tell you the truth, I was wary about it, but when he told me that the fantasy was about the two of us, I shaped up pretty quickly.

 **Non-Threatening Sex Toys –** Honestly, my sex toys made him wonder _“What…?”_ Poor fellow didn’t know what was what. The fact that he felt inadequate by the sizes was truly ridiculous. But what I have learned in our situation is sex toys enhance our time together. We even went to sex stores together and talked about the toys that interest us the most. You’d be surprised at what turns us on. We are total freaks.

 **Sex That's Not Tied to Orgasm –** This one was interesting for me! Ever seen movies where people have made love without having sex? I have and it is amazing because it shows complete intimacy. If you need an example, check out Sam and Molly from _Ghost_ when they were making that vase.

 **Backdoor Fun –** Nope. I will not be talking about that with you. You’ll never know that extent of our relationship, even if I want to talk about it with you all.

 **Voyeurism –** I must admit, I couldn’t wait for this one myself. It’s….I need a cold shower just thinking about him looking at me pleasuring myself and vice-versa. It’s good to see what turns him on and it’s fun letting Jackman know what turns me on. I really need that shower!

 **Getting Turned On By Me –** Well, I’m a strong, bad-ass chick with classic confidence. Need I say more?

 **Watching Porn Together –** So, Jackman watches porn every once in a while. The fantasy? We watch it together and he lets me pick the genre. I have to say, it is a great learning tool for our own sex life, and it’s even fascinating because we find out what turns us on.

I really need that shower!

 **Chatting After Sex –** _"I noticed you stopped breathing when I stroked your knee. How was it making you feel?"_ It is wonderful that he talks to me after sex. He is so caring…..you just don’t/ can’t understand since everyone’s sex life is so different.

 **Third-Party Advice –** I never pegged Jackson as a man that would go out and talk to someone outside of our relationship. To tell you the truth, I actually like it because he is taking care of his mental health without me being there.

 **Sex in an unusual location –** See, Jackson loves having sex in public with me in an unusual location, I love when he fucks my brains out **.** Even if he’s fantasizing about the same old sex acts that we always fall back on, out-of-the-ordinary settings like a hotel room, a sex club, or the kitchen counter can heat up my imaginings in a heartbeat.

**♂+♀=♥**

Now, when it comes to my fantasies, I am not entirely sure how Jackson can hang. I like: handcuffs, chains, whips, hot wax, spanking, dirty talk, you name it. Here are a few of my favorite ones that are apparently the norm for some of us women.

 **Dominating someone** \- While not as socially-sanctioned for women as submissiveness, fantasies of being in control in the bedroom are super fun and quite common, with 47 percent of women admitting to having had this fantasy. It can be incredibly hot to call the shots during sex, especially in a culture which systematically tries to strip women of our power both in and out of the bedroom.

 **Bondage** \- From impromptu tools, like neckties à la Christian Grey, to more intense bondage scenarios involving rope, cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints, the thought of being restrained (or restraining someone else) is incredibly hot to many folks. Being unable to move makes you helpless to a partner’s advances, whether those involve pleasure, pain, or a little of both! (Do your research on this one before acting it out, though. There are a lot of ways bondage can go wrong, in an actually-dangerous and not just kinky-dangerous manner.)

 **Roleplay** \- If you struggle to let your inner sex kitten loose, sometimes imagining yourself in a specific role can help. Does a nurse-and-patient fantasy get your gears turning? How about boss and secretary? Parent and babysitter?

 **Cosplay** \- Costumes can help you get in the right head-space for some serious debauchery. They can also make you feel like a total vixen. Whether you go supernatural (Catwoman? Wonder Woman?) or slightly more down-to-earth (Dana Scully? Lara Croft?), you might feel foxier in a borrowed persona.

 **Romantic sex** \- This can mean different things to different people. Maybe your idea of romance is rose petals, champagne, and staring into each other’s eyes, or maybe it’s a partner knowing exactly how to slap you around and exactly what mean names to call you in bed. Whatever the manifestation, it’s lovely to imagine having a deep emotional connection with the person you’re banging.

 **Sensual massage** \- _“Happy-ending”_ massages are a popular search term on porn sites, especially for women. It may be that the relaxation and slow, calming movements prep your body and mind for heights of arousal; sex researcher Emily Nagoski notes in her book  _Come As You Are_  that stress can physiologically inhibit pleasure and orgasm in women, after all. Once you’re all oily and melty and floaty, the stage is set for sinfully intense ecstasy.

 **Sensory deprivation** \- Blindfolds are one easy way to explore this avenue. Wearing one keeps you blissfully unaware of what your partner is about to do to you—and putting one on someone else helps you maintain your control and mystique over them. Adding noise-canceling headphones can also be fun if you really want to keep someone on their toes.

 **Sex in public** \- The thrill of sex in a public or semi-public place has long been a popular fantasy: dark alleys, public bathrooms, and movie theaters are common choices. The thrill of getting caught is one commonly-cited reason, as is a general interest in exhibitionism. This can be a risky endeavor for your criminal record and for the well-being of passersby, so it’s probably one that’s better left a fantasy.

**♂+♀=♥**

All in all, I think that we have two things in common. The first is that Jackman and I love to be dominated by one another, particularly me. Thank _Fifty Shades of Grey_ for that because they normalized this fantasy more widely than ever before; one study found 65 percent of women crave being dominated. There’s a wide palette of fantasy scenarios to draw from here. You can picture something as subtle as a trusted partner holding you down by the wrists while they kiss you, all the way up to extreme BDSM involving pain, humiliation, or whatever else your kinky little heart desires.

 **♂+♀=♥**

_When you walked into the room you knew just what to do_  
_Ya coulda gone from door to door but you knew just where to go to_  
 _Come into my velvet room and tell me your fantasies_  
 _(tell me your fantasies)_

 _The passion in your voice I wanna hear as you start to tell me_  
_While you take the blindfold and tie it gently on me_  
 _Don't wanna see but feel the things you're gonna do to me_  
 _(wanna feel it)_

 _Tie me up, tie me down_  
_(make me moan real loud)_  
_Make me moan real loud_  
_(take off my clothes)_  
_Take off my clothes_  
_No one has to know_  
_Whisperin’ I wanna feel a soft rope burn_  
_(no one has to know)_  
_Wanna feel a_  
_Rope burn_

**♂+♀=♥**

_"Rope"_ , huh? 

Now there’s a word I haven’t used for the longest time.

Oh, married life. I love it so much.

What I would really like right now, though?

A shower because I feel dirty as hell.


	20. Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intimacy On All Levels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit: Our Favorite Couple Make Love, So If You Aren't Here For It, Skip!

_Hold me_  
_Kiss me_  
_Show me_  
_You wanna be with me_  
_Feel me_  
_Taste me_  
_And maybe I'll let you have me_

Before Jackson and I got together, I never came into this relationship to date, let alone get married at all. Even though it took time to get comfortable with him, I found that building a friendship with him was very easy. 

**♂+♀=♥**

**Connect through food** – We spent time and cooked food together. The scampi was so good that we deemed it our dish. Sure, we have cooked many meals together, but the Shrimp Scampi is the meal that we have once a week, and I am good with that. 

 **Find hobbies to do together** – We would watch superhero movies. He fan girls over the original Spider-Man movies. It’s adorable if you ask me. Anyway, some of our hobbies consists of going to the movies or going to an art class. Sometimes we even just take a stroll around the block because we can. Going to the park at night, just to go on the swings at midnight, is amazing since the moonlight kisses out skin. Sure, there are better hobbies that I can tell you about, but these are some of my all time favorite ones.

 **Try to be vulnerable and share fears** – I found it great that we talk about things. I mean actually talking about things.

 _"I fear not living the life that I want to live."_ _Jackson_ _told me one day when we were still dating._

_"I want to have quiet nights with you. I want kids. I want to be comfortable with my future family, even it it's in a crappy house. Having a good time chasing butterflies and little puppies. Sitting on the porch in my old age, watching the world go by._

_"I want to be everything my father wasn't. Don't get me wrong, he still talks to me and we hang out together, but he doesn't really pay attention to me. I'm like a constant reminder to him of how I'm not him in terms of smart, handsome, caring, and it's just too much._  

_"I just want to be everything that he wasn't whenever you and I have kids. I want to support them, be proud of them, love them the way that he hasn't loved me."_

_"Then I hope to be the one by your side through thick and thin."_

_"Thanks, Apes."_

**Be affectionate** – I truly appreciate his affections because he simply does it without me expecting it, plus he always asks if he can be affectionate with me, and if feels good. The back rubs and massages when I am tired are so good. I swear you guys, he has his own Midas touch because I always crave more and more of his touch. I love when he hugs me because I feel safe and warm in his arms. I can kiss him on his lips and all over his face, and he doesn’t care at all because he returns them, even when we have bad breath. Goodness, we are such a typical couple.  

  **♂+♀=♥**

I was used to fucking and being fucked. Used to pushing and pulling men into my bed, ordering them around so that I could get pleasure from their body. I used to be forced against the wall, or held down on the bed while the other man, plus that woman-beater Matthew-  _took_ what pleasure they wanted from my body, likely going home to brag to their friends and family how they left me, April Kepner, covered in their remnants. 

What the fuck was I thinking?

But ever since I met Jackson, this wasn’t like any of those experiences.

How can I describe him as a person, other than having all those kinks that I enjoy?

Tall and mocha colored.

6’2.

Green eyes.

I think the best way to describe him would be to describe him in his own words.

_“In my family, I'm the pretty one. My eyes and my smile, my body. I mean, you should see me without a shirt on. It's kinda ridiculous. But my family is smart, driven, and crazy over-achievers. And they look like they're smart. They don't look like me, which has its perks. Except that my family treated me like I was pretty. They expected nothing from me, ever. Never pushed me, never thought to. So I had to push myself. Hard.”_

God, hearing those words come out of his mouth showed me that he lives by his own standards. He is on his own in terms of making his own decisions that come from his own mind. He’s in control of his own. He gets what he wants on his own terms without people singing in his ears. Anyway, let’s move on to what I want to get out.

One night after a lovely dinner, Jackson took us home and he gave me a good night kiss. Did I forget to mention that after our first meeting seven years ago, we got married like nearly four years ago? Boy, after being married for so long, he make me crazy. After the good night kiss, he pulled away. I don't know what made this night so different though. We had gone out on plenty of date nights before, had sex with one another well over….I don’t even know how many times, kissed a shit ton of times, but his kisses were just so....addictive. After I kissed him back hungrily, he spun me around and started kissing my neck.

It took me forever to open that fucking door.

The kisses hadn’t stopped once we entered the bedroom, and if anything, they had increased once we got to our bed.

Jackson kept kissing every inch of skin he could reach. He unzipped the back of my black in order to gain more and more of my skin, as I was just laying on my back, letting out gasps of encouragement at his actions.

“Hey.” He muttered, having kissed his way back up to my mouth.

“Hey.” I replied, knowing how to respond to Jackson’s lust filled eyes.

"April?" He asks as he turned me on my back.

"Yeah?"

“You okay with this right?” He asked gently.

I gave him an easy nod in response.

“Good, you know you can tell me to stop whenever you want?” He asks me as his hands were gently running up and down my exposed chest in a comforting gesture.

 Shit. I felt that I nearly broke right then and there because this was nothing like I had previously had before.

 _When you do convince me_  
_Can't turn back_  
 _I'll be your best_  
 _You know that good things don't come easy_

Like I said, we fucked before, but this time.......whew! I might need to open a window!

Sure, Jackson always knew that if I didn’t want to have sex, then he would immediately stop it, his position was enough threat to get anyone to stop what they were doing. But it being said loud and clear like that, Jackson ensuring he knew just made him want to give me so much more.

Honestly, I think I've hit the jackpot.

He didn’t move anything apart from his hands I gave him another nod in reply.

Respect.

Learn that ladies.

You too men.

And if you still can’t follow the concept of respect, I suggest that you listen to Aretha Franklin’s _Respect_ , which was writen by Otis Redding.

Once Jackson was satisfied with that response as he went back to kissing me, gently along my jaw. One of his hands moved to support himself above my head, while I moved to gently cup him through his pants, earning a groan.

Well, that convinced me. The sex this time was going to be sensual.

Sweet.

Not, devastating, life-changing, complicated or painful at all.

It was......let's just say that it was a touch so sweet that I would love to have forever.

“Tease. You are such a tease.” He grumbled lightly and I laughed, sitting up to pull his t-shirt off.

Those abs of his……it is eye candy if you ask me.

Jackson moved back down to kiss along my neck as he unhooked the clasp on my bra. Once they were off, he made his way down my chest as he mouthed the center of my underwear before taking them off too.

"FUCK!" I moaned as gave my wet center an experimental lick. Jesus, he went to town on me and I was craving more. Naturally, I buried my hands in his hair while he continued to eat me out. I had never received anything like this - normally it was by command or guidance that a person went down on me. Never had someone started it, (ok, just Jackson, but I digress) and my stomach tightened at the thought that Jackson was doing this, giving me pleasure in a different kind of way.

“You okay?” He asked after my first orgasm.

“Please tell me you had practiced that on someone before because Jesus Jackman, if that’s just natural talent-“

“Only you, babe.” Jackson replied with a laugh at the groan I let out.

 _'Fuck that is just unfair.'_ I thought to myself.

Apparently, I must have said my thought out loud because the next thing I knew, our room was filled with his laughter as he moved to kiss me again before pulling away to get the bottle of lube and a condom.

“Top drawer. The condoms are still in there too if you want them, but-“

"But?" He asks.

"Let's try for a baby."

He smiles.

“Are you sure, babe?” He asks with his smile growing wider.

"Don't make me beg." I whined.

Jackson shifted back to kiss me deeply for the first time in the night. It wasn't very different from all the other deep kisses we shared. There was no fight for dominance, as I allowed him to take control when he tried for it, and easily gave it back when Jackson allowed me too. It was comfortable and easy and like nothing I had ever had before.

Jackson shifted back to kiss me deeply for the first time in the night. It wasn't very different from all the other deep kisses we shared. There was no fight for dominance, as I allowed him to take control when he tried for it, and easily gave it back when Jackson allowed me too. It was comfortable and easy and like nothing I had ever had before.

I flipped us over, and proceeded to take off all of his clothes.

"April." He moaned as I gave an experimental lick to his length before engulfing it in my mouth, his hand flying down to grasp the my red-velvet colored hair as his eyes screwed shut. He had never received a blow job like this at all. My husband is a lucky bastard. Unfortunately, I had to use my hand to help me stroke him as I was sucking the living daylights out of him.

Soon, I moved to kiss him on the lips. As we were kissing, he flipped me over and proceeded to cover his fingers with lube. See, I would have told him hurry it up if it wasn’t for the gentle prodding of a lube-covered finger at my entrance. I love how he just preps me, but this time….I felt as though I was one with Jackson.

Soon the finger was joined by another equally lube-soaked finger as Jackson discovered and started to tease my g-spot, causing me to let out light moans.

Ok, they weren’t light, but so what? We are in the confines of our own house. There are now thin walls, nosey neighbors or kids around, so we’re good.

Jackson moved so he could watch my face as he started to spread the two fingers, slowly preparing me for what was to come.

Honestly, I could die from his touch and we haven’t even done the true physical act of sex yet. 

I gasped when the third finger breached me, following it with a content moan to signal Jackson that it was a “pleasure-gasp” not a _“one from pain”_ or _“surprise”_ and there was no reason to stop and please don’t stop because I feel that it would kill me.  
  
“Jackson, hurry... please... I don’t think I can last much longer!” I begged.

Now, I have to tell you something that you probably won’t believe. That was the first time that I begged for sex. No one, and I mean no one ever made me, April Kepner, beg in bed no matter how hard they tried, yet Jackson didn’t even need to pry it from me at all. It all just came so…..naturally. His actions earned him another kiss as Jackson removed his fingers and worked on covering his length in lube. 

Once Jackson was done, he adjusted our bodies so that my legs were around his hips and Jackman’s arms were above my head, supporting him so our noses just touched.

“You ready?” He asked me.

I honestly wanted to kill him for asking because wasn’t it obvious? But at the same time, I understood why he asked. Given my history with other guys, it used to be hard to give someone complete and total control over me in bed. Right now though, they are all irrelevant because it’s just Jackson and I. In this moment, we are infinite.

“Yes!” I sobbed out and Jackson smiled softly before slowly starting to thrust in.

 _Hold me  
_ _So are you ready  
Kiss me_  
_To journey_  
_Show me_  
_Within me_  
_Feel me_  
_I'll satisfy you_  
_Taste me_  
_I will do anything_  
_Have me_  
_You ask me to_  
_Ask me_  
_Anything_  
_With me_  
_Anything_

My arms moved around to cling to Jackson’s back because for some reason it just felt  _right_  to be joined with Jackson. His face must have reacted some negative way because Jackson stopped when only halfway in, concern covering his features.

“You okay?” He asked and I only nodded, only just noticing the tear leaking from my eyes.

“You sure?” Jackson sounded so worried and it just made me love him so much more, which was a revelation by itself because his hesitation only made my feelings towards Jackson multiply even more in the last couple of minutes.

It’s crazy to think that these are simply tears of joy.

Man, I was definitely missing out on true love, and that sucks on **_ALL_** levels if you ask me.

Seriously, what the hell was I thinking?

Only the Good Lord knows, but everything happens for a reason.

I believe in that concept and I’m happy to be here in this moment with my husband.

“I’m fine... just... ugh... keep going.” I tell him. Now, there was no way that I was going to tell Jackson that I was crying because no one, and I do mean no one, has treated me like this. Ever. There was no way I was going to tell Jackson that this was the first time in my life that I actually felt truly loved and not just because someone felt he felt like he had to, but because he wanted to. He knew if I told Jackson about being uncomfortable, then he would stop and just want to hold me or something like that and right now I didn’t need that. I just needed Jackson. I just needed to feel like we were one, even if only for a short amount of time.

Luckily Jackson didn’t press the issue any further, continuing his slow entry until he was fully in; pausing to give me a minute just to breath.

Time to adjust.

“You can keep going,” I said after it was clear that Jackson wasn’t going to continue without some confirmation from me that I was okay with it.

Jackson pulled out slowly before thrusting back in again, soon establishing a steady, calm pace that just made me let out sobs, pulling Jackson down so that I could bury my head in Jackson’s neck. This wasn’t anything that could be called fucking; this was the kind of sex that romance magazines and books talked about. The kind of sex that men’s girlfriends dream about that they couldn’t give because neither he nor they really knew how to give it.

But I can do that to my husband, so suck it people.

Suck it!

I knew that I must look pathetic at the moment, tears streaking down my face as my blunt nails dug deep in Jackson’s back in a death grip that not even Jackson’s enhanced strength could break. Jackson must have noticed, giving gentle kissing to my tear stained cheeks as he thrusted into me slowly.

I gasped and shook as I neared orgasm, body thrumming with need for release as my mind literally begged me not to let this perfect moment end. Eventually, my pleasure peaked though as I just lost it.

The rhythm of his thrusts changed, they somehow became more gentle, careful, as if he would somehow hurt my post-orgasmic body from continuing to fuck it. I just enjoyed the sensation of Jackson in and my body becoming one, made oversensitive from orgasm; enjoyed his heightened sense of knowing just how close Jackson and I were.

Eventually Jackson too reached orgasm.

After basking in our afterglow, I let myself be gathered up into Jackson’s arms and dimly realized that this was the person that I am definitely going to spend the rest of my life with, and I can’t wait for the best part of our lives to come our way.

And even without having a conversation on what it had all meant on their relationship, I just knew for the first time in my life what it was like to love and be loved in return.

**♂+♀=♥**

The night was so….good.

See, it wasn’t the actual act that I am actually conveying to you. It’s the intimacy. I mean, sure, the sex was amazing, however, the intimacy was fun because I actually trust him. I didn’t have to try so hard to be someone else with him. We can talk about anything was want, hurt each others feelings in the process, and still be April and Jackson. The intimacy that we've had through the course of our relationship is...indescribable, and I am happy for that.

I don't have to be submissive, but I would do anything for Jackson just as he's told me that he would do anything for me. I seriously found a good one.

Maybe he found me....?

I don't fucking know, but I am thankful for him, every damn day of my life.

Hmm...

Jackson and April.

You know what?

I think I’ll go for Japril because I can.

Yeah. That works.

I can’t seem to decide which works, but Japril seems to fit.

It’s so us.


	21. Sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simple Feelings.

One of the worst kind of feelings in the world would probably be....feeling sad. Everyone deals with it in their own way. The quote that fits this emotion is simple It goes:

_"There's nothing more depressing than having everything_  
_And still feeling sad. We must learn to water our_  
_Spiritual garden"_

God, it's so simple, so complex yet it makes total sense. 

For me though? 

I would rather reflect on my journey ~~~~through life than wallow in sadness.

That's all I'm going to say.


	22. Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Are The Needs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter Has A Bonus Portion, So I Hope That You'll Enjoy It.

Do you know what we are?

We’re investors.

Well, at least I am because I invest my time with the people that I care for. Now, I have gone through many life-altering experiences and changes in my life, and I am eternally grateful for them. Self-consciousness, regret, life, death, you name it. Through it all, it’s been a challenge, but I can either over come all of them or I can sit and wallow through them. I’d rather take the former because now I have kids of my own with the man that I love.

Now, there was a point through this journey that I simply harped on for a moment, and now I would like to go deeper into it. Remember when I used the word special? How we all have the need to feel special? Well, let me tell you something about that statement. It’s definitely a true sentiment to everyday life because we are human beings that have out own wants and needs. It’s crazy, complex and true because that’s human nature.

Ooh.

The last two words made me want to listen to MJ’s _Human Nature._

Why, oh why, did that man have to die so young?

Damn, Dr. Murray!

Anyway, sorry for the tangent.

This is your tangent and my tangent……..never to be had again.

Possibly.                     ;)

So, let’s run through the things that make us feel special as human beings.

Get ready because this is a long one.

**♂+♀=♥**

**Acceptance –** I have always grown up knowing that most people are judgmental and critical. Sucks right? I try not to do that because at the end of the day, we are all human beings with feelings. Ok, some more than others, but there’s nothing that I can do about that at all. I think that stems from our need to be unconditionally accepted by another person raises that person’s self-esteem, reinforces his or her self-image, and makes that person much more likely to accept you and follow your lead.

 **Appreciation –** When you appreciate another person for anything that he or she has done or said, they will like themselves and you more as well. The simplest way to express appreciation is to simply say, _“Thank you”_ for an idea, some good feedback, time spent together, or an order. The problem with that is….NOT EVERYONE WILL APPRECIATE YOU!!! I cannot stress that enough, and it is horrible. You can do the most simplest of things, and it goes unnoticed. It’s like _“Bitch, where are you appreciation skills? Don’t get mad when someone isn’t appreciative of you.”_ What goes around comes around, and in some cases, it isn’t necessarily karma….

 **Agreeable –** The most welcomed people in every situation are those who are generally agreeable and positive with others. Some people out there…..let’s just say that they are the ones who like to be argumentative, complaining, or disagreeable. My belief in that? Some of them will have a hard time agreeing on certain things. The best thing for me would be to agree to disagree because my life is too precious for some petty matters, or say that I am right, even when I am wrong.

Hahaha!

Poor Jackson always being _“wrong”_ even when he isn’t.

I guess that it sucks to be a man sometimes.

Thank God I am a woman.

Moving on.

 **Admiration –** People invest a lot of personal emotion in their possessions, traits, and accomplishments. I have found that when you admire something belonging to another person, it makes him or her feel happy about themselves. Everyone has positives, and it’s up to you to find them. In turn, these positives will be reflected back on you. Now, that is hard because in my opinion, those traits are self-imposed standards that one sets for themselves and it makes them…..confident, which can either be good or bad depending on how you carry yourself. Let them know what you admire about the challenges they’ve overcome.

 **Paying Attention to Others**   **–** We can go about this a couple different ways if you sit and think about it. Let’s go with something….simple. The most powerful way to pay attention to someone is to listen attentively first, even ask questions, before you launch into a monologue answering every question they might never ask. Believe it or not, before you even say a word, you will become a more interesting and intelligent person in their eyes. For me, paying attention also means that the listener tries to understand what the other person is feeling or experiencing and attempting to see things from the speaker's perspective.

Next, give them a compliment. I wake up everyday giving myself a compliment. Hell, I even give Jackson a compliment, because I can. He doesn’t expect it, but I think that it’s important because it shows that I am paying attention to him as a person, not just as my husband or the father of our two kids.

 **Never criticize, condemn, or complain. –**  No one wants those kinds of abuse in their personal relationships at all. Trust me. I would know, and it is **_NOT_** pretty at all. The most harmful force of all is destructive criticism. It lowers a person’s self-esteem, makes him or her feel angry and defensive, and causes him or her to dislike you. Fat pig, skinny bitch, whore, slut, so on and so forth. The list goes on and on, especially for us women, which isn’t really fair, but many of us are used to it because that is human nature. When the people that care for us ask us the question _“How are we taking it so well?”_ or _“How did you recover from that?”_ the answer is simply _“We’ve been in training for years_.” If your target is someone not present, it still causes a loss of trust in you, since your listener could be the next target.

 **Be courteous, concerned, and considerate of everyone you meet**   **–**  At least say a simple hello to a person on the street. You never know what someone is going through. If they respond to your greeting, then you have achieved something. Now, there have been times when I haven’t gotten a response from others, and I will admit that I cussed them out, and I feel a lot better when I do that. It’s wrong, but you can’t hunt me down. When you treat a person with courtesy and respect, they will value and respect you more. By being concerned, you connect with their emotions. Consideration is the discipline to do and say things to people that are important to them.

 **Potential** – When someone says that they have a dream, tell them you believe that they can achieve their dream—and why. I feel as if there are things that you recognize within a person based on their talent, then it is best to acknowledge their skills and talents. Ask them questions to help them uncover how they can leverage their strengths to make a difference in the world. Encourage them to go for something they want but are scared to pursue.

 **Comfort** – Comfort them after a failure or misstep and let them know it isn’t representative of who they are or what they’re capable of. Sometimes there is no right or wrong answers, but what can you do? I think it’s simply best to ask them to teach you how to do something to reinforce that this is something they excel at. Offer to teach them something you know they’ve wanted to try, and let them know why you think they’d be good at this.

 **Guidance** – Give them something to help them get started on their dream—like a journal for an aspiring writer, or a design book for someone interested in fashion. Tell them you want to be the first one to buy their product or service when they inevitably start making a living off their passion. Give them a hand-made card and write inside what you see in them. You’ll be helping someone more than you could even know.

 **Give Generously** – Give your time to listen, to support, or to just enjoy each other’s company. I know that I enjoy Jackson’s company, even when we are mad at one another after our necessary fights. Yes, I am crazy for saying that but I have to let him know what I am being generous with my time with him because tomorrow isn’t promised. Give generously, even for the most simplest of things, such as when someone is looking for a job. Give them a job referral and say, _“You’re the first person I thought of when I saw this—no one could do this job as well as you!”_

Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment. Say something like _“This is my good friend Avery, and-”_

Hold on.

I am not bringing my Jackson into this. I’ll change that to someone else.

Let’s start this again.

Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment. Say something like _“This is my good friend Robin, who’s a fantastic chef and one of the funniest people I know._

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they’ve done something thoughtful or insensitive, remember their goodness, and let them know. Give them your approval—nod your head when they’re talking and commend their thoughts and ideas.

As I said before, space is something that everyone craves. We need time for our hobbies, time with our friends, and time to toil away on our projects to feel fulfilled. Space to work through thoughts and ideas out loud, even if you’re tempted to bring the conversation back to yourself.

Give them credit for something they were right about.

Let one have the opportunity to shine in front of others when you’re tempted to dominate the conversation.

 **Be honest** – Honesty is the key. Give an honest opinion and say, _“I value you too much to tell you anything but the truth.”_ Honestly, I would rather put up with an honest person in my life because I don’t have time to put up with anyone’s bullshit. Share your honest opinions instead of censoring yourself to show them you’re comfortable enough to be authentic with them.  My belief is that honesty makes us trustworthy and sincere to those close to us. None of us are perfect though and being honest all the time is not always possible. If you need to tell one lie to cover up another lie, then you’re not worthy of being honest to yourself.

 **Be affectionate** **–** See, I don’t know about you, but Jackson always gives me a hug when I am feeling down, and hold me just a little longer than usual. That alone makes me feel special. The playful nudges when joking around to show he and I are tight like that. All those pats on the back when offering praises, even for the small things.

The squeeze of a hand when I am very anxious. Cuddling up to him instead of maintaining distance on the couch. I still find it funny when I try to be the big spoon and fail, but he appreciates it. Offer to give a massage to someone you know would be comfortable receiving it. Well, that goes both ways. I could go on and on, but I don’t want to bore you.

Show affection by actually kissing someone on the cheek instead of giving an air kiss. Air kisses are lame. Well, I think that depends on the person, but overall, I am not really a fan of those if they aren’t coming from my kids. Hold hands with your partner when walking outside. Now, if you have friends who enjoy holding hands, go for it! Never be afraid to show affection with your friends because they are some of the most important people in your life. You can do that by sitting close together or one another, to show you’re not avoiding physical connection at all costs. If you know they don’t enjoy too much affection, give them a handshake when greeting them to show you understand and respect their preferences.

 **Share yourself** **–** Sharing your fears with your significant others or a friend is vital. It lets them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with them. To me, that means that you should be able to your feelings with them and let them know you value their guidance and support without judgments. Talk about your dreams with them and let them know you appreciate their advice and encouragement. It’s a challenge, especially when you aren’t an _“out there”_ kind of person, but it always helps to talk.

I have also learned that sharing your resources with them—especially if they’re scarce—shows that they’re worth the sacrifice. Try to give something you cooked for them to show them they’re worth the effort. I guarantee that they will appreciate the effort. 

The rough one.

Spirituality.

Share your spirituality with them, and invite them to join you in practicing yoga or going to church. Now, yoga isn’t a problem at all. Church on the other hand in this household….that is left to be desired.

Sometimes, when you tell someone a secret, it shows that you trust. I am a little iffy on that because some secrets are meant to be fun and other times…..a secret should just be a secret. Sometimes these secrets can cause you a world of trouble, like my predicament with _that one_ , but sometimes, secrets that are spilled can be a good thing. After all, Jackson inadvertently discovered a secret, which not a lot of people knew about that moment that I would like to delete from my life.

Inside joke between just the two of you for laughs, sharing something you value with them to show them you value them more….it can literally go on.

Together.

Now let’s split this in two ways.

 **Do things together –** As friends, I think it is important to spend whatever free time you have when the occasion calls for it. The suggestions that I can come up with? Invite them to join you in doing something important, like picking out something for your partner’s birthday. In my case, that would be football on Sundays. If you can help with something important they’re planning to do, then I think that you should ask. Planning a surprise event for them, either to celebrate a tiny victory or just because you care. Invite them to something that will be a bonding experience, like a spa day or a sporting event. Buy an extra ticket to something you know they’d enjoy, and offer it to them.

Ask them to join you in doing something regularly, like joining a bowling league, and let them know why it would be way more fun with them there. Include them in a group event to show you consider them part of the gang. Ask for their input in planning a group event to let them know you value their thoughts and ideas. Devote a weekend day or night (or both) to spending time together instead of squeezing them in for a quick lunch. When you’ve been busy, say, _“I haven’t had much time lately, but I miss you! When can we get together and catch up?”_

 **Being together** **–** Invite them to sit around with you, just to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Ask them if they’d like to enjoy the outdoors with you, whether that means lying in the beach in the summer, or drinking hot chocolate near a snow-covered window in the winter. Ask them if they want company when they feel drained after a long week, to show you don’t need a formal plan to be there for and with them. Offer to come over, while they’re home, so you can be an extra set of eyes to watch their kids. Sit in comfortable silence instead of needing to fill the air to show you’re comfortable enough to do this. Offer to stay with them when they’re sick, just in case they need anything. Invite them to join you in a technology free day—one without any distractions from simply being, together. Ask them to share their favorite way to relax on a day off, and then ask if they want to do this together. Invite them to join you in meditating. If you don’t meditate, invite them to try it with you, at home or in a group environment.

**♂+♀=♥**

Whew! I told you that it was long!

I’ve said a lot about this topic. If you get it, or don’t get it at all, then maybe you need to look deeper within yourself. I didn’t say all of this just because I wanted to teach you something at all. The point for me at least, was that being special consists of many things that we tend to overlook. It goes beyond personal needs with your significant others, plus having the need to feel special goes a very long way. I don’t have to always have sex, hang out with my friends, reminisce on my best friend’s death, relive the past that had been filled with abuse and look for the meaning of life. All I have to do is work on myself, pray to the Good Lord that I obtain health and strength, have an abundance of love and blessings, and most of all, live life to the fullest. We only have one life to live, and I tend to live mine through the good times and bad times.

 _We need to_  
Remember  
_That love lies deep within ourselves_  
_We have to_  
_Want it so_  
_It starts with us and only us_  
_We must learn_  
_We're all born_  
_With specialness inside of us_  
_I have the need to feel real special too_

Through it all, I can tell you one thing though.

I will **_ALWAYS_** be a work in progress, and you know what?

April Kepner is alright with that.

 

* * *

 

Dear April Kepner,

Remember when you used to paint the words: triumphant, successful, conqueror, undefeated, victorious, faith, hope, love, strength, and dreams all over your bedroom when you were younger? I do. Those words gave me such joy whenever I felt down in the fucking dumps. I tell you man, those words always made me smile and keep the faith whenever someone had been casting stones in my direction.

Through life, I have always been told that I don’t belong by people who were crass or just didn’t care for me at all. I sit there are just ask _“Really?”_ There have people that have tried to stop me from achieving my dreams. Useless, bastards! Who are they to tell me that I can’t achieve my dreams? Who are they to have the last say so in my life? The last time I checked, God has the final say in my life. Sure, I question my faith at times, but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad, everything happens for a reason by God himself, and there is nothing that we can do about it other than ride this rollercoaster ride that we all life.

I am a lot of things, but a quitter? I don’t think so. See, when life can be a little too much, it feels like I can’t see or breathe at all because sometimes, life can be too much for me to handle. That’s when I need a minute just to breathe, want a glass of wine, and remind myself that no one can stop me from achieving my goals but me. When I feel like the world is about to be crumbling, I have to remind myself that there’s a light inside of me that shines so brightly. That light isn’t a blow torch or anything, but it burns bright and it’s like my own internal meteorite. No one can stop me from living my dreams, chasing my ambitions nor tell me how to live my life.

Whenever I hear the word triumphant, I think of how one should never give up under bad circumstances at all. One should always remember that whatever curve ball life throws at you, you should stay on your toes, and never let anyone count you out. Even though sometimes I want to stay naïve to some situations, I believe that all things are possible, and in my heart, I know that I can be the greatest roll model to someone. I will always reach for the start, and wish upon them as well, be all that I can be, and make all of my doubters fall down. No chains will bind me from reaching all of my potential because the high point of the mountain is all that I can see.

Victorious is another word that I absolutely adore. I don’t know why, but it is a damn good one, and I love it because it seems so….fitting when you have conquered something. Maybe it’s because I was victorious in finding friends for life and keeping them around. Or maybe it was learning how to live life without Reed and our crazy antics. It could have even been dating _him_ and learning that I can do a lot better than that. Perhaps finding Jackson was what made me victorious because I am living a wonderful life with him and our two noisy calendars that we call children. Who really knows, but I am quite victorious at the moment and I am eternally blessed for that.

It’s so crazy to think that for all the people who doubt you are the ones who are usually trashy. Ugh! I hate saying that, but from my experience, that is what they are. Trash. Should I feel bad for saying that? Eh, this is my story, so at this rate, I’ll answer my own question and say fuck no.

Fucking society man.

It’s a bitch and it is a goddamn hassle.

You know what? Fuck them. Fuck all of those people who told me that I won’t make it. I maybe an old soul at heart, but guess what? I have heart. I love being passionate about unpopular things that make others think about. Sure we all have our differences and people used to tease me for it, but where are they now? Being told that I have an old soul during my adolescent years had been painful, making me feel like a misfit who doesn’t have a place in this world.

All that matters is that I made myself fit in this broken world, and I think that I might change the damn world by doing so. It doesn’t matter that for one minute I was drunk and thought that I saw myself and my best friend on a TV show, but that is what it is, especially when I was in mourning. It probably wasn’t even _Grey’s Anatomy_ , but those two girls looked like Reed and I. Maybe it’s because I just miss her so much, but she’s one of the people that I credit for changing my life. She helped me believe that I am a voice in this world, and dammit, I am a voice in this world. Granted she’ll never physically be here as my children’s God Mother, she one told me something that I have engraved in my heart and my brain.

_“We may not be blood, but you are my family. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise because they are not us. You are a monument in my life. We may insult and bitch at each other, tell each other some hard truths, make fun of each other, but you are the best person to ever come into my life. Thank you for being a friend.”_

Reed may not be here, but I am happy that I have Jackson by my side. It was an unimaginable trade-off that I didn’t see coming, even when it felt like time stopped. I became stronger.

Better.

Healthier.

I’m everything that I am all because I didn’t let anyone or anything deter me from living life the way that I am living it. Even though we all come from different places, speak different languages and have different beliefs, our hearts beat as one. We are all riding this roller coaster ride called life, and life is what you make it. Someone is always around to guide you and help you when the chips are down. When you feel like wrong is right, right is left and there's no where left to turn, there is always something there to remind you that the impossible is possible and that you can break that equation. All I have to say is that you should never give up on yourself, keep positive influences around you and when someone goes low, you should go high.

 _Nothing's gonna stop us_  
 _We can't be stopped_  
  
_I know that it's not been easy_  
 _Trying to make it in this crazy world_  
 _People 'round you try to stop you_  
 _Stomp you saying that you don't belong_  
  
_You must remember that_  
 _We were born with blood of kings and queens_  
 _And can't be stopped_  
 _Stay stronger my sister you can't be stopped_  
 _No, you can't be stopped_

_I know that sometimes_   
_You get to feelin' I've given up on you_   
_The pressure seems to, to defeat you_   
_Beat you when you feel you can't go on_

_You must remember that_  
 _You were born with blood of kings and queens_  
 _And can't be stopped_  
 _Stay stronger my brother you can't be stopped_  
 _No, you can't be stopped_  
  
_Don't ever let nobody tell you you ain't strong enough_  
 _Strong enough, don't let nobody tell you you ain't_  
 _Strong enough, don't let nobody tell you_

Keep the faith and remember to never let yourself be degraded by someone who tells you that you need to stop. 

We are all infinite.

 

 ~~Sincerely Yours~~ Love,

April Avery


End file.
